By Sukie de la Croix

I’m always interested in new theories about the causes of homosexuality, but this one is especially interesting. Didier Jambart, 47, a French defense ministry employee, is suing because dopamine agonist drugs prescribed to him for Parkinson’s disease have turned him from being a happy family man with 2.4 kids, a Suburu and a trophy wife into a demented, out-of-control, compulsive gambler, thief and promiscuous homosexual.

And what’s more, Jambart may win his case as the evidence against dopamine agonist drugs is stacking up; it’s now thought that 15 percent of Parkinson’s disease patients on this drug regimen have experienced a general lowering of moral standards—to put it mildly.

Some men who have taken these drugs have run up enormous gambling debts and have been so homosexually promiscuous they have assholes the size of buckets, while there have been several cases of women who ended up living in trailer homes and prostituting themselves to satisfy their sexual obsession. Call me old-fashioned but I don’t think lying spread-eagled on a filthy mattress being mounted by dozens of men is a dignified position for a French woman suffering from Parkinson’s disease to be in. I can see Sen. Larry Craig in that position…but that’s just me.

Jambart’s lawyers claim that dopamine agonist drugs can have a Jekyll and Hyde effect on their users and they presented to the court three examples of why the drug should be taken off the market:

1) The sad case of Sister Brigitte at the Convent de Va T’empaler Encule near the tiny picturesque village of Trou de Cul who was a pious bride of Christ spending her days either on her knees praying for succor or dusting the tchotchkes on the altar, but by night this quiet nun turned into a self-described lesbo-terrorist. Sister Brigitte would break into houses, rifle through women’s drawers and steal their panties. The half-crazed nun was only apprehended after she was spotted in a back alley propped up against la Dumpster cross-eyed with intoxication after flossing with a particularly ripe thong belonging to a French lady wrestler.

2) Marcel Wave, the French mime, who after six months of taking dopamine agonist drugs, found his way out of the box and every night at midnight became a homosexual serial mime artist simulating sex with anything that had a hole in it …car exhaust pipes, mail boxes, Maurice Chevalier albums.

And 3) Pierre LaTrobe was a stereotypical beret-wearing Frenchman with a string of onions around his neck, riding his bicycle to his mistress’s house for some oh la la! But after six months on dopamine agonist drugs he became so gay all he did was stay home stuffing cotton wool between his toes and painting his nails while watching “Project Runway” and whining endlessly on and on about how commercialized the gay world had become.

What’s worrying the authorities even more is the burgeoning black market for dopamine agonist drugs among heterosexuals who are using it to break free from their miserable lifestyles and enter the glitzy, glamorous, amoral world of homosexual promiscuity, thieving and gambling.

And who can blame them!! It’s a scientific fact that heterosexual relationships consist of two bored individuals of the opposite sex barely existing together in a rancid state of putrid stupefaction called “marriage”—a virulent virus that ultimately drives the participants over the cliff edge of common sense and down, down, down into a swirling cesspool of emotional and creative bankruptcy.

Not that I’m being judgmental.

Email Sukie de la Croix at delacroix@chicagofreepress.com.