Mixed by Cosmik DJ Andre Raffles

It’s December and 2007 is dozing off and will soon hit the Big Sleep before reincarnating as 2008 with all its promise and potential. What will you achieve next year? Will you be lucky enough to find that special person and will you be able to admit you made a mistake and dump their sorry ass later in the year? What addictions, trials and tribulations will you battle next year? And most important of all, will your gay mojo still be working?

You’ve got to have that gay mojo and it’s got to be working.

ARIES (March 21–April 20)
You should give money to every homeless person you see this week because one of them is Jesus testing you out.

TAURUS (April 21–May 21)
Good news as the plot to kill you falls through and your grisly death—which will be made to look like a suicide—is postponed until the spring.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
You find out that one of your siblings has a secret life as a porn star, so you should resist the temptation to watch “Cum Bitches on Heat,” “Cum Bitches on Heat II” and “Fuck Me Hard, I’m a Cum Bitch.”

CANCER (June 22–July 23)
You may find your mind and body are not in synch this week as commands sent from your brain don’t always reach their destination, e.g., you keep telling yourself to climb off the sofa but the “Project Runway” marathon on TV has other plans.

LEO (July 24–Aug. 23)
Your Dumpster–diving almost pays off this week, but sadly it turns out the old pizza box you find isn’t a painting by Jackson Pollack after all and the Campbell’s soup can is just that—a Campbell’s soup can.  

VIRGO (Aug. 24–Sept. 23)
You will be tempted to help a friend this week but it’s better they learn by their own mistakes—sure, they’ll have third-degree burns over 90 percent of their body, but they won’t be standing on a coffee table at a party trying to ignite their own farts again in a hurry.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
Sometimes it seems like you’re digging your own grave just to see who turns up to the funeral? Paging Dr. Freud!!

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
You will be successful if you focus on doing one or two things well. You have a tendency to bite off more than you can chew and multi-tasking could result in several projects being jammed together, resulting in an embarrassing stain on the underwear of your week.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 22)
It’s never too late to start an acting career. This week you are offered the lead role in a remake of the “I’ve fallen over and I can’t get up” commercial. Play your cards right and you could end up snagging a job as a hand model in an upcoming arthritis painkiller ad.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 23 –Jan. 20)
Your ability to turn every situation into a musical pays off this week when two cars collide and you tap-dance and sing, “In olden days a glimpse of stocking was looked on as something shocking” around the wreckage until the ambulance turns up. You are spotted by a talent scout and offered a role as a demented—dropped on your head as a chick—penguin in “Happy Feet II: The Ultimatum.”

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
Don’t forget that most of the iceberg is under the water and what you see is only the tip of it. Bear this in mind as you navigate your Titanic through love’s choppy waters this week, otherwise you could end up freezing your ass off and singing “Nearer My God To Thee” in a lifeboat with a bunch of women with wet feathers in their hats.

PISCES (Feb. 20–March 20)
You’re not a people person, are you?