By Gary Barlow

What’ll I Do?

It appears that a dream is coming true for some members of our community: A British newspaper, the Daily Mail, reported last week that Cher and her lesbian daughter Chastity are planning to star in a new TV talk show called—I kid you not—“Coming Out With Cher and Chas.”

The idea reportedly evolved from the real-life experiences of the famed diva and daughter, who haven’t always been on the best of terms because of Cher’s initial difficulties accepting Chastity’s sexual orientation.

“It’s no secret they have had problems in their relationship and they think that makes them ideal to offer advice to those who are going through the same thing,” a source told the newspaper. “They are looking to give their careers a lift and are promising producers there will be on-air fireworks between them.”

Cher, 61, and Chas, 38, have been spotted recently discussing the project with TV executives at Hollywood restaurants, the Daily Mail said.

That’s great, but I promise you this column will show no mercy to the first queen who spills out a sob story about a bad coming-out experience, then asks, “So, Cher, tell me, can I turn back time?”

No mercy at all…

The Royal Web

Cher and Chas actually aren’t the trendsetters of the week when it comes to reaching out to their fans via the small screen.

That honor goes to Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, who’s gone trendy via an even smaller screen by launching her own YouTube channel online. There you can watch the queen’s new Christmas Day message, which includes footage of her making small talk at a recent family get-together (including more than a few lingering camera shots of Prince William).

There’s also clips from big moments in the queen’s life and other more mundane items, 19 videos in all, some kind of neat and some…well, let’s just say “A Day in the Life of the Prince of Wales” probably won’t inspire you to call up your friends and tell them, “You just have to see this now!”

Anyway, see for yourself at www.youtube.com/theroyalchannel. (I know—how did she beat you to claiming that domain name?)

Field of bad dreams

OK—the presidential primary season is indeed upon us, not that anyone could have missed that. Seems like this election’s been going on for years, doesn’t it?

Anyway, some GLBT papers are already issuing endorsements—North Carolina’s Q-Notes came out last week for John Edwards (a shocker, no doubt) and the Washington Blade just endorsed Hillary Clinton, the ultimate Washington candidate, of course.

Well, rather than endorse anybody in Freeform, here’s part one of our quick, cut-the-crap, can-it-catch-a-fish-and-fry-it guide to the 2008 presidential field.

This week we rate the Republicans (let’s get them out of the way first because, face it, even they know they’re going to lose):

Rudy Giuliani—When Rudy was mayor of New York, he loved gay people. Now he treats us like the guy he went home with that night when he was really horny but doesn’t want to talk to in front of his new right-wing friends in the bar. Yeah, well, it wasn’t that good even that one night, Rudy, so get over it.

Mike Huckabee—Man, are Arkansas schools really that bad?

Alan Keyes—Yes, he’s really running again and there are people who are willing to give him money to do that. Kind of makes you wonder why their heirs aren’t filing competency petitions.

John McCain—He probably wouldn’t be a complete disaster. On the other hand, he’s like the only person in America who still backs Bush’s Iraq policy. No.

Ron Paul—He’s for really low taxes, state and local rights and believes government should have no role in marriage, i.e., if your church wants to marry gays, so be it. How can anyone claim to be a Republican and not support this guy?

Mitt Romney—One word: Sybil. The Mittster is the king of multiple political personalities. He once claimed to be more progressive on GLBT rights than Ted Kennedy. Now he’s like the Jerry Falwell of the presidential race. I wouldn’t buy a hot dog from Mitt.

Fred Thompson—This isn’t “Law and Order.” You have to work more than 45 seconds a week, dude.

Next week, we’ll discuss the Democrats—Barack, Bill, Hillary, John, Dennis, Mike, Chris, Joe, Dancer, Prancer, Comet, Vixen, Rudolph…