Mixed by Cosmik DJ Andre Raffles

As icicles dangle from our nostrils and winter sets itself upon us we wrap ourselves in a warm blanket of dreams and imagine dancing along a deserted sun-drenched beach, the sand scrunching between our toes and the ocean’s cunni-lingering tongue lapping against the shore.

And in our dreams of summer we include the bronzed Adonis or that Amazonian warrior chick with a spear and a metal tit-sling who brings us to new heights of ecstasy until we wake from our reverie to find the CTA is still a screwed-up mess and our boss is still going through the change-of-life.

ARIES (March 21–April 20)

Drive carefully as there’s a possibility you may swerve to avoid hitting a pair of nuns and crash into a car with rosary beads hanging from the rear-view mirror. The other driver is killed. The good news is that Jesus loves you more than he loved them.

TAURUS (April 21–May 21)

When the going gets tough the tough buy something pretty for themselves. That little plastic card has a name, you know. …It’s called Max the Credit Card.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)

A giant leap forward in financial and career prospects reminds you of how lucky you are when most of your friends are having to rifle through the penny jar for train fare. Instead of feeling guilty about your riches, the stars recommend you take a big box of Kleenex and cry all the way to the bank.

CANCER (June 22–July 23)

You get all verklempt when you drop your slice of toast and it lands butter-side down leading you to throw open the kitchen window sobbing and screaming out at an uncaring world, “Why me, God? Why does it always have to me?” You’ll feel so much better afterwards.

LEO (July 24–Aug. 23)

Some sexual passions should just be kept in the realm of fantasy and not be acted upon. Your desire to tightrope walk over the Grand Canyon dressed in a German World War I Kaiser helmet, a tutu and five-inch spike heels needs to be erased from your troubled mind. You also need to rid yourself of the one with the drooling pack of three-legged poodles and the tub of chocolate ice cream.

VIRGO (Aug. 24–Sept. 23)

A change of attitude might help your current situation but a change of underwear should clinch the deal. 

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)

This is not a good time to jump in at the deep end, so maybe dip a toe in to test the waters first. The situation is more complex than you think—for starters everyone is lying to you about you-know-who. You do know who you know who is, don’t you? You don’t! Oh boy, you are so screwed.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)

Good news on the health front this week when you visit a doctor and discover the ugly inflamed pus-filled growth that suddenly appeared on your shoulder last month is actually your head.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 22)

Queer Archers get over-emotional this week, but the last straw comes when you discover the yummy cream center has leaked out of your Boston Kreme and onto your cinnamon munchkin. Don’t hold back, just let the tears flow. 

CAPRICORN (Dec. 23–Jan. 20)

It’s important to remember that all people are created equal except for the fathead idiots you work with who are not only inferior but are less interesting than watching snot dry on a paper napkin. Treat your work colleagues as the human waste products they are.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)

Never underestimate the therapeutic value of shoe shopping.

PISCES (Feb. 20–March 20)

That little piece of gossip you have been entrusted with and swore you would never divulge to anyone is far too juicy to keep to yourself. Now, don’t be a selfish bitch—spill the beans.