By Sukie de la Croix

It’s 2008 and as I look back on 2007 I ask myself: “Have I pissed off enough people this year? Because if I haven’t then I haven’t done my job right.” Here are just a handful of horrible things I’ve said about people in the last year, so you can judge for yourselves.

In a stellar 12 months during which Sen. Larry Craig said “I am not gay. I have never been gay,” and then to prove his point pulled out a Polaroid of himself eating his wife’s hairy ass and balls, I celebrated New Year 2007 by calling Donald Trump “a comb-over idiot” and Rosie O’Donnell “a fat loser.” I also suggested that Mary Cheney’s baby was the result of a sperm withdrawal from an ATM at the Sunnyside Dead Celebrity Jism Bank and the father was probably the late Bob Marley.

I then wrote about Britney Spear’s vagina appearing as Dr. Snatch in the new James Bond OO7 movie “The Return of Octopussy,” and noted that Nancy Pelosi looked like a fat Japanese whore with the panda make-up and tight Armani sausage casing she wore for swearing-in as head of the House of Representatives—later in the year I tried and failed to imagine Nancy Pelosi sliding a finger into a guy’s ass while sucking hard on his man meat.

I was the first to break the story about alien nut-job Anne Heche returning to Zark B6, her home planet, where she was married to a blob of green slime called Bovax 3, who is currently bringing up their three offspring: Bargox 1, Tendralex 2 and Bovax 3 Jr.

Staying on the subject, I wrote that Ann Coulter was abducted by aliens and underwent a two-fisted, double-headed sex change and I “outed” homophobic Marine Gen. Peter Pace with a story about him inserting toy tanks into his ass at West Point Military Academy with his “close friend” Geoff “Barbra” Smithson.

I called Soledad O’Brien a spongehead—which she is—and I told you about two lesbian cat porn stars called Kitty Litter and Fishy Nibbles. In the spirit of investigative journalism I spent six months as a fly on the wall of Paris Hilton’s vagina and commented on how it was moister than Barney Frank’s or Queen Elizabeth II’s—later in the year I also reported that the Queen suffered a nick in her hoo-hah when her gynecologist forgot to remove his Iron Maiden skull ring.

I attacked the Nazi folksinger Joan Baez and said that in a poll most Americans would like to see her with cum on her face and I wrote that on a recent trip to the Serengeti safari park in Tanzania Chelsea Clinton narrowly escaped an attack from ivory poachers by deftly rolling downhill and blending in with a herd of wildebeest.

In a piece about Amsterdam I warned that “gay men dropping their pants, bending over and rimming each other in the Anne Frank house is definitely browned upon … sorry, that should be frowned upon.” I also described presidential hopeful John Edwards’ voice as sounding like he’s emceeing a hog hollerin’ contest with a cowpoke’s cock shoved down his throat and I explained that the Jewish drag queen, Jesus Christ, was impersonating Esther Williams in “Million Dollar Mermaid” when he walked on the water.

I also recommended that Sen. Hilary Clinton should change to Science Diet for Bitches, I called Sen. Larry Craig a pathetic washed-up reptile and we all had a Midlife Crisis sing-a-long with “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead” when Jerry Falwell croaked.

I think I covered everyone.

Email Sukie de la Croix at delacroix@chicagofreepress.com.