By Gary Barlow

Turn right at Rockford

Ever waited way too long at Sidetrack for your gay friend from Naperville and his straight girlfriend?

Ever get frustrated for the umpteenth time when they call you—an hour late—and say, “OK, we’re right by this place called U.S. Cellular Field. Do we turn left or right?”

Well, you’ll be happy to know that there’s a psychological basis for their complete inability to find their way to the Glass Bar. Scientists at Queen Mary, University of London have just disclosed the results of research that found that gay men and women are much worse at navigation than straight men.

The researchers conducted a number of tests on volunteers before concluding that women and gay men rely more on local landmarks and are slower to incorporate spatial information, meaning they have a more difficult time navigating in unfamiliar environments.

“Men are good at using distal, or geometric, cues to decide if they’re going north or south, for instance. They have a better basic sense of direction,” said Dr. Qazi Rahman, who led the researchers.

Gay men, the researchers said, tend to navigate more like women, although they may share some of the traits of straight men.

“Gay people appear to show a ‘mosaic’ of performance, parts of which are male-like and other parts of which are female-like,” Rahman said.

So if she just can’t ever get there on time, give her a break—it’s genetic, after all.

The other foot

Just remember—laws against discrimination work both ways.

A gay club in England learned that the hard way last week when a tribunal awarded a straight woman more than $12,000 after finding that club managers discriminated against her for being straight.

According to the Times, Sharon Legg began working at Dreams in May 2005 but was fired two years later. During her employment as part of the gay club’s security staff, Legg said, she was repeatedly harassed for being straight, often by her manager, Scott Rhodes.

“In the beginning I just laughed it off and decided not to say anything,” Legg said. “Then he started saying, ‘Ugh, you’re a breeder,’ and that really started to grate on me. If the shoe was on the other foot and I was saying things like, ‘Ugh, you’re gay,’ I don’t think he would have stood for it. …I made this complaint for gay people, straight people, anyone who has ever been harassed.”

The tribunal ruled that Legg had been discriminated against for being straight and was unfairly dismissed. Club officials said they are considering appealing.

Eenie, meenie, minie…

OK—last week, we gave you the quick, no-BS, Freeform guide to the Republican presidential candidates. This week, we turn our gaze to the Democratic field. Now granted, they are a better lot all around than the GOP, but it’s only fair that we put them through the Freeform grinder and see what kind of burgers they’d make. So here goes:

Joe Biden: His rationale for running seems to be that he’s the smartest, most qualified, most experienced person for the job. Boy, is he clueless about what we look for in a president.

Hillary Clinton: So now it turns out that the country may not want to turn back the clock and try to live through the 1990s again. That’s not good news for Hillary. And if so, what was she thinking surrounding herself with her husband, Wesley Clark and Madeleine Albright after the Iowa caucuses last weekend?

Chris Dodd: He gone.

John Edwards: If I’m going to court I want this guy at my table. He’s like Matlock, Alan Shore and Perry Mason all in one. He’s also probably the most logical VP candidate if Obama wins.

Mike Gravel: Retirement is nice because if you wake up one morning and decide to paint the shutters, plant a few apple trees or run for president, nobody cares.

Dennis Kucinich: Can’t we just make him our national recess monitor for government leaders?

Barack Obama: The O Train is leaving the station, it seems. Folks are comparing Obama’s run to Bobby Kennedy’s 1968 campaign, although I think comparisons to JFK might be a bit more apt. At any rate, get ready for a black guy from the South Side of Chicago to move into the Oval Office. Now, that’s a legacy Bush/Cheney never thought they’d leave…

Bill Richardson: Living proof that you can be too nice to be president.