By Gary Barlow

Streams of Whiskey
The problem with making assumptions, of course, is that sometimes things aren’t what they seem.

That’s especially true after a few drinks, as an Irish teenager is finding out. The boy, who’s 16, was in court in Dublin last week on charges related to his anti-gay assault on a couple.

According to prosecutors, the boy, who admitted to being “heavily intoxicated” at the time, approached the couple on a busy Dublin street and asked, “Are you two gay guys?” Then he aasaulted the couple, knocking both of them down and kicking them in the back and stomach.

The whole time, prosecutors said, the boy made derogatory comments, such as “fucking gay bastards.”

The teen, of course, is in big trouble, with a Dublin Children’s Court now remanding the case to Dublin Circuit Criminal Court, where more serious charges can be brought. And if that’s not enough to be a bit of a downer for him, he can also spend his time in jail pondering the fact that the couple he assaulted was actually a straight man and a straight woman with short hair.

Ah, the whiskey in the jar, eh?

Deep in the heart
Texas Congressman Ron Paul, who’s enjoyed a charmed, if futile, run for the Republican presidential nomination in recent months, came in for a bit of much-needed scrutiny last week in the pages of The New Republic.

Paul has used the campaign to build an image as a straight-talking, if really unorthodox, libertarian. He’s also raised a surprising $20 million in the process and outpolled people such as Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson in early GOP contests.

But TNR’s James Kirchick dug into the archives of Paul’s newsletters, published under various names since 1978, and found some stuff that’s pretty far out on the fringes of American political thought.

Paul’s newsletters, for example, have lamented that gays now find it easy to come out of the closet, asserting that “homosexuals…should be put in a special category and not allowed in close physical contact with heterosexuals.” The newsletters have also said that people with AIDS shouldn’t be allowed to eat in restaurants.

Paul’s newsletters have also disparaged blacks and Jews, raved about conspiracies involving the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms and even called the Civil War unnecessary and said Southern states should have been allowed to secede.

Well, OK, maybe we should have just let Texas go…

Red menace
Paul’s not the only one fixated on bizarre conspiracy theories.

Last week, Idaho state Rep. Curtis Bowers wrote an op-ed column for the Idaho Press-Tribune that tied Hillary Clinton to Communist plans to take over the U.S.

I know—you thought the Commies were old news, right? Well, apparently, they’re very much alive in the recesses of Rep. Bowers’ mind.

Bowers recounted how he went to a 1992 meeting of the Communist Party USA in Berkeley, Calif. First, he said, he figured he’d need to fit in, so he “grew a goatee, got a revolutionary T-shirt and put on some ratty jeans.” Crafty one, isn’t he? Anybody else thinking he looked like the narc at a Grateful Dead show?

At the meeting, Bowers said, the Commies discussed plans to destroy the American family by promoting “cohabitation instead of marriage” and getting “children away from their moms into government programs.”

Second, the Commies would destroy American businesses by wiping out the profit motive with environmental regulations. Third, they’d destroy American culture by promoting the “homosexual movement.”

Fast forward to today, Bowers said, and look at what’s going on—we’ve got a woman running for president who, in his words, “talks about how degrading it is to be a stay-at-home mom.” Hmmm—guess I missed that Clinton campaign theme.

Further, Bowers said, businesses are moving to other countries to escape environmental regulation. And here I thought factory workers at $6 a day were the lure.

And, finally, he says, we’re on the verge of passing laws making it “a crime to discuss in public any opposition to the homosexual lifestyle.” Yeah—let me check—there it is, alright, right after “winning equality for gay couples and making it illegal to fire people for being gay” on the Gay Agenda. Guess I hadn’t gone quite that far down the agenda yet.

Any chance, maybe, that Rep. Bowers might want to move to Texas before we reconsider letting them secede?