By Sukie de la Croix

I was interested to read about Florida State Rep. Robert “Bob” Allen (R-Merritt Island) who was recently arrested after allegedly offering to perform oral sex on a male undercover police officer for $20.

First off, I was shocked by the price—I was charging more than $20 in 1972!  Admittedly, I was younger then and my customers felt like they were fucking the face of an angel. It’s different now, of course—anybody who sticks their dick in my mouth today probably feels like they’re unblocking a sewage pipe.

Anyway, I digress. Back to the right-wing anti-gay Florida State Rep. “Cocksucker Bob” Allen who allegedly tried to rent out his hot mouth in a toilet in Veteran’s Memorial Park on East Broad Street in Titusville. One reason his services were so reasonably priced may have something to do with his appearance—Google him and I think we can all agree he won’t be winning a Miss Dairy Queen pageant anytime soon. Or maybe $20 was his spit price and his swallow was a respectable $100 or more.

The visual of a Florida state rep spitting out cum while kneeling on a piss-stained toilet floor in a public park reveals a certain lack of je ne sai quois that one usually associates with those in elected office—but “undignified” seems to be the buzzword of the Republicans right now. You’d never see Sen. Diane Feinstein sucking down a huge uncut schlong through a glory hole in the men’s room at Lafayette Park. Why? Because Feinstein is a classy broad, that’s why! She sucks all her dicks in private.

Cocksucker Bob’s constituents are mystified as to why a respectable married man with a child woke up one morning and went gay all over the place. Retiree Rachel Liebowitz phoned a Florida radio talk show and said: “I don’t understand why he did this. I was baking cookies and I heard it on the news and I thought, ‘Oh my goodness! Bob Allen is a faygala and putznasher.’ I can’t believe he was only charging $20… although my nephew Samuel would have done it cheaper.”

Another anonymous caller to the show said: “If Bob Allen really did proposition that police officer, he should be thrown in jail. We don’t expect this kind of disgusting behavior from our politicians. I mean, think about it…$20 for a BJ. He’s undercutting the vast number of hard-working male sex workers like myself. How am I supposed to earn the money to pay for my Manolo Blahnik sandals when we’ve got politicians like Bob Allen sucking cocks for free.”   

Of course, the great irony of all this is that Allen recently pushed for the passage of Florida House Bill 1475, the “Lewd or Lascivious Exhibition Act,” designed to stop public masturbation in the presence of a non-consenting adult. The bill failed—if it had passed, then Allen would probably have been charged under a law that he authored.

The hypocrisy of this sad and sorry tale is astounding, but what’s more disturbing is that ordinary out-of-the-closet gay men no longer feel safe using public bathrooms for fear of being harassed by Republican elected officials.

What with drag queen and former New York City Mayor Trudi Giuliani running for president, ex-congressman and campaigner against child abuse Mark Foley trying to schtupp underage interns and now anti-jerking-off-in-public State Rep. “Cocksucker Bob” Allen allegedly offering to fellate a cop for cash, the GOP might be the Gay Old Party after all. Who knew?

Email Sukie de la Croix at delacroix@chicagofreepress.com.