By Gary Barlow

Five minutes and counting
Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee’s chances of winning the GOP presidential nomination may be fading after his loss to John McCain in the South Carolina primary but, like any good politician, if he’s going down he’s going to make damn sure he makes a fool out of himself in the process.

Last week the Huckster decided to sound off on the Confederate flag and marriage, lending credence to those who say he’s nowhere near prepared to be president.

I thought the whole Confederacy vs. Union thing was settled a long time ago but that’s apparently not the case for some folks. Huckabee brought up the issue of flying the Stars and Bars in Myrtle Beach, S.C., Jan. 17.

“You don’t like people from outside the state coming in and telling you what to do with your flag,” Huckabee said. “In fact, if somebody came to Arkansas and told us what to do with our flag, we’d tell ’em what to do with the pole.”

OK, Governor, and that “what to do with the pole” thing would be found in which of the sermons you give when you wrap yourself in your holier-than-thou Southern Baptist minister pose?

Then, fresh from confronting such timely national issues as the Confederate flag, Huckabee also expounded on marriage.

“I think the radical view is to say that we’re going to change the definition of marriage so that it can mean two men, two women, a man and three women, a man and a child, a man and animal,” he said.

You’re right, of course, Governor. That would be “the radical view,” as opposed to the view of more than half of the people in our society that denying gay couples the same civil rights and benefits given to straight couples is unfair.

Would somebody please wake me when the Huckster’s 15 minutes are over?

That silent sucking sound
A Minneapolis airport bathroom continued to get more than its 15 minutes, as Idaho Sen. Larry “The Toe-tapper” Craig picked up help from the American Civil Liberties Union in his quest to overturn his guilty plea for soliciting sex in a public bathroom stall.

For those who’ve been in a coma, Craig pleaded guilty last August to soliciting an undercover cop in the airport bathroom, signaling his desire for sex (OK, allegedly) with his “wide stance” on the throne and his overly active, tap-tap-tap toes.

Since it became public, Craig has employed a variety of arguments in an effort to convince Minnesota judges to let him take back his guilty plea. Now the ACLU has a new one.

ACLU attorneys filed a brief last week supporting Craig on the basis that people having sex in closed bathroom stalls “have a reasonable expectation of privacy.”

“The government cannot prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Senator Craig was inviting the undercover officer to engage in anything other than sexual intimacy that would not have called attention to itself in a closed stall in the public restroom,” the ACLU brief stated.

Um, OK—I suppose that would be referring to the quietest sex in history. I mean, I think if I walked in a bathroom and two guys were getting it on, I would notice a certain familiarity to the sound.

It’s even made me wonder if it’s me who’s not normal—I mean, could it be that other people don’t make any noise when they’re having sex? Now I’m asking how much public sex I’ve never noticed because I’ve walked by bathroom stalls all my life and thought the lack of noise just meant they were empty.

Call 1-800-dumblawyer
Over in Dayton, Ohio, a Democratic primary challenger to an openly lesbian judge says the judge should remove herself from any cases involving gay issues.

You know, you have to wonder how some of these people get through law school. Are the standards really that low? (No, I don’t need letters answering that question.)

OK, here’s the deal: The idea that gay judges can’t fairly apply the law in cases involving gay issues is as ludicrous as saying that divorced judges can’t rule on cases involving marriage or that black judges can’t decide civil rights cases. What about lawyers judging cases involving other lawyers—shouldn’t that be out of bounds, too?

Go back to chasing ambulances, dude…