Mixed by Cosmik DJ Andre Raffles

Sometimes the planets warp and blob like wax in lava lamps and we watch hypnotized as balls of gas and rock shift shape before our eyes. This affects our collective psyche in three ways: 1) Our dreams and aspirations get gooey and splodgy; 2) Our inner being goes all spongy and squishy; and 3) Our auras start getting soggy and floppy. This mystical alignment of 1) 2) & 3) directs all the holes in our body to start throbbing and oozing goo. Expect to see an increase in your laundry bill this week.   

        

ARIES (March 21–April 20)

Financial problems add to your depression and it seems like there’s no way out, but don’t give up so easily. Your friends love you more than you think, so why not visit them—not for advice but to rifle through their medicine cabinets and pop their pills. A hefty Vicodin and Xanax combo usually kicks the blues.

 

TAURUS (April 21–May 21)

Keeping your opinions to yourself is not helping the situation in this particular case. Usually it’s best for you to shut the fuck up and let your gums put their feet up for a while, but this time you have a delicious idea to share with others at the potluck of life.

 

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)

Work becomes complicated when co-workers hear a rumor that you’re sleeping with the boss and that a poodle and a tennis racket are involved in the affair. This might be a good time to break off your lunchtime trysts before they find out about the crotchless rabbit costume and the girls’ school uniform jumper.

        

CANCER (June 22–July 23)

That nasty smell you’ve been complaining about may be a little closer to home than you thought.

 

LEO (July 24–Aug. 23)

Queer Lions need to grit their teeth, smile and avoid any confrontations with neighbors because they know where you live.

 

VIRGO (Aug. 24–Sept. 23)

Focus on your own troubles before helping others—giving money to the homeless is counter-productive when you can’t afford to pay your own rent. It probably hasn’t occurred to you but you’re trying to bribe the homeless into liking you and that’s pretty pathetic.

 

 

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)

Your significant other welcomes this new passionate you and buys you something nice at the weekend. It’s called prostitution and it’s the one thing that Librans are good at.

 

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)

What does it say about you when even your imaginary friends are plotting to kill you? Two of them—Gitana, the Gypsy girl, and Gregorio, the Portuguese sailor—are cutting the brake cables on your car as we speak.

 

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 22)

Queer Archers are wired differently to the other signs and what comes out of your mouth may seem perfectly clear and logical to you but is meaningless drivel to the rest of us. Communicating with you is like watching a Polish soap opera— we need subtitles.

 

CAPRICORN (Dec. 23–Jan. 20)

Don’t give away personal information this week, as someone whose name begins with A does not have your best interest at heart. This person is in league with someone whose last name begins with C. It might be a good idea to play it safe and only talk to people with a G in their name.

 

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)

You need to exercise and burn off your frustration and anger at having not reached your potential in life. But you can’t run away from being a loser, so why not embrace the fact that you fucked up and you’re a worthless piece of shit.

 

PISCES (Feb. 20–March 20)

Look in the mirror and ask “Mirror, mirror on the wall, would I be able to climb up the Christmas tree on the S.S. Poseidon after it was hit by a rogue wave?” If the mirror says “No” it means you’re fatter than Shelley Winters and it’s Jenny Craig or burst bitch!