By Sukie de la Croix

I used to think the Dead Sea Scrolls were a type of venereal disease you caught from bending over in a tent and playing hide the sausage with a Bedouin tribesman until I watched a documentary on the Discovery Channel and found they’re actually ancient writings from biblical times.

As the various wars escalate in the Middle East, with myriad redundant cults trying to prove their God has bigger testicles than the other guy’s God, the only people reaping the benefits from all this childish nonsense are the archaeologists. No longer are they forced to go through the painstaking work of digging a site with a spoon and a paintbrush and spending laborious hours negotiating with the Camel Workers’ Union—all they need to do now is wait for a stray bomb to go off and it throws up all kinds of interesting artifacts.

In the past year Palestinian missiles lobbed into Israel have uncovered many sacred Biblical relics, including Mary Magdalene’s toothbrush and Pontius Pilate’s secret stash of dwarf and midget porn. However, last week’s bomb blast uncovered something that has caused a firestorm of controversy. A Hezbollah missile fired into Israel from Lebanon exploded near the home of Rabbi Hymen Ben Tuchashtupper, who later woke up in a crater to find himself in Jesus Christ’s bedroom. Alongside the Wham! poster and a 1963 vintage Jetsons Metal Lunch Box with thermos, archaeologists found a pink book that turned out to be Jesus Christ’s very own hand-written “My Little Pony: My Hopes and Dreams Diary,” complete with padlock and key.

A handwriting expert who studied the book to determine the psychological or character traits of the Son of God describes him as moody and prone to tantrums.

“We often think of Jesus as being a philosopher and hippie peacenik steeped in the Jewish traditions, including the Kaballah,” said the graphologist, “But although he had the body and smelly armpits of Jerry Garcia, he possessed the mind of a 13-year-old girl whose main concern was make-up and a zit-free face. Jesus Christ was more Marsha Brady than Jewish mystic. Hanging out at the mall and getting his vagina fingered in the home accents aisle at J.C. Penney had a higher priority than healing the sick.

“Take his last entry headlined ‘BEST DAY EVER: I’ve got a major-ly crush on Simon-Peter who is sooo cute in a pirate-y Johnny Depp way but Rachel told me he’s going out with Ruth. …That won’t last. I happen to know he doesn’t like girls and he’s a fisher of men. Ruth is such a loser. Big L. Her father is some Pharisee, or Phartisee, more like it, who cares? Wait ‘til Simon-Peter sees me walking on water. I was out clubbing the other night and I turned water into wine…a neat trick I picked up from Dad. …God, I mean. On Saturday all my friends are organizing this birthday supper for me. They’ve got a DJ and everything. It’s supposed to be a surprise but James told me. I’m wearing a pink pleated mini-kilt, a Naughty Girls Need (Heart) T-shirt, Stripe Twist Cork Wedge Heels, Cherry Lace G-String with the 10 Commandments on, metal bead drop earrings and a fabulous wood bead necklace.’”

All you anti-gay fundamentalist Christians out there reading this might want to ask themselves this question: Would God allow his only son to wear a pink pleated mini-kilt and Cherry G-string to the Last Supper if he hated homosexuals? I think not!!

Email Sukie de la Croix at delacroix@chicagofreepress.com.