By Gary Barlow

Alternative penguin lifestyles
Folks in Loudoun County, Va., just outside our nation’s capital, can rest easier now that their school superintendent, prompted by a vigilant parent, has stood up to yet another attempt by penguins living alternative lifestyles to indoctrinate children and destroy American society.

The county school superintendent, Edgar B. Hatrick III, ordered libraries in the county’s 16 elementary schools to remove “And Tango Makes Three,” a children’s book, from the shelves and only check it out to parents and teachers. The book is about the true-life story of Roy and Silo, gay penguins who live together at the Bronx Zoo and raised a penguin chick, Tango, after a zookeeper gave them an egg to replace the rock they’d been trying to hatch.

As you may know from accounts in this newspaper and elsewhere, gay and lesbian penguins appear to be rather common, with zoos around the world reporting penguin couples living “alternative lifestyles.” In fact, I’m surprised that so many zoos still have penguins. You’d think by now that the American Penguin Family Association, the Penguin Family Values Coalition or somebody would have required zoos to put gay penguins in special, adult-only exhibits. At the very least, you’d think the zoos could find some faith-based group to come in and try to minister to gay penguins and show them how their lifestyles are leading them down the dark and destructive road to penguin hell.

Despite this courageous step by Loudoun County, I fear that it may not be enough to keep kids there safe from dangerous outside influences that could expose them to alternative lifestyles. After all, from what I understand, many teachers in Loudoun County are still stubbornly teaching children how to read. The threat just never ends, you know.

Turning away the sheaves
Meanwhile, five anti-gay bishops in Africa and South America said last week that they would boycott the upcoming Lambeth Conference of bishops because they refuse to be in communion with American bishops who allowed an openly gay man, V. Gene Robinson, to be consecrated as bishop of New Hampshire in 2003.

The Lambeth Conference takes place every 10 years and is a gathering of all Anglican bishops worldwide.

Well, bully for these five bishops—Peter Akinola of Nigeria, Emmanuel Kolini of Rwanda, Benjamin Nzimbi of Kenya, Henry Orombi of Uganda and Gregory Venables of the Southern Cone (South America).

After all, if bishops don’t stand up for turning their backs on people who are different and kicking folks they don’t like out of the church, who will? I mean, what’s the Bible all about if it you can’t judge people, damn them as sinners and tell them the church is no place for people like that?

While they’re at it, I think these bishops should look into more of the people their churches are associated with. From what I’ve read, for example, this Jesus character defended and hung out with prostitutes, lepers and all sorts of unsavory types. Hey, I’m not saying there’s no room for this Jesus guy in the good bishops’ churches, but while they’re picking and choosing, they might want to look into whether or not they really ought to be in communion with someone like him.

And up is down
Some of the good bishops, of course, have alleged that this whole gay business is just a Western thing anyway, that people in their cultures were never gay until they were seduced by outsiders.

That is also, you may remember, the position of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, of Iran, who insisted last year when questioned by American students that “in Iran we don’t have homosexuals, like in your country.”

So imagine our shock last week when “Be Like Others,” by Iranian filmmaker Tanaz Eshaghian, won a top prize at the Berlinale Teddy Queer Awards. The film is a documentary about gays in Iran. Ah, but how, you ask, do you make a documentary about people who do not exist?

Well, I would love to ask President Ahmadinejad that question—perhaps he has some insight that I’m missing. Then again, there are also those pesky news reports, some even in Iranian newspapers, about gays being arrested and executed in Iran. Maybe Ahmadinejad could also, while he’s at it, tell us how you torture and hang people who do not exist.

Ah, we have so much to learn from other cultures…