By Sukie de la Croix

Although homosexuality is illegal in Bahrain—punishable by up to 10 years in prison or deportation—members of Parliament from the extreme Islamic Al Menbar party are recommending an even tougher crackdown on what they perceive to be a sudden influx of gay tourists. Committee secretary Jalal Fairooz warns that gay men are slipping into the country by posing as “manly” until they get past immigration and then presumably they throw off their cardigans and Hush Puppies and boogie their way to the taxi rank sporting salmon pink glittery leotards and feather boas and singing Eartha Kitt’s “I don’t want to be alone, where is my baby, I don’t want to be alone, where is my man…”

Fairooz—which is Arabic for “asswipe”—claims that huge numbers of homos are slipping through the net and hanging out at hairdressing salons and beauty and massage spas and that they are “dangerous” and “a threat to our society and Islamic values.”

The latest idea to combat gay tourism in Bahrain is to use sniffer dogs—oodles of poodles trained to sniff out men wearing My Life, My Dream, My Passion from the Parfums Grès Retro Collection: Hommage à Marlene Dietrich. Immigration officials will also play a loop tape of Madonna’s “Vogue” and watch out for homosexuals who lose their composure and instinctively “strike the pose”—apparently this is a temptation that no gay man can resist.

All this homophobia is surprising considering Bahrain was once a Mecca for gay tourists. Homos flocked to Bahrain’s miles of sandy sun-drenched beaches—the Bahrain Tourist Board used to call it “South Beach by the Gulf With Scorpions.” Sunny Bahrain is also famous for its excellent skiing resorts that rival Colorado’s Aspen or Arosa in Switzerland. One downside of Bahrain’s culture is that alcohol is banned, but there are scads of gay coffee shops, with the Isa Bin Fukken Café being the most popular—imagine a gay cruising spot with transvestite belly-dancing waitresses serving cinnamon coffee and caramel camel cookies in a hot dung sauce 24 hours a day.

There are also popular tourist attractions to visit like the Osama bin Laden Children’s Hospital paid for by American taxpayers, the Death to America Water Pumping Station paid for by American taxpayers and the Oil Well Museum, with fascinating exhibits of drilling equipment all paid for by American taxpayers.

Interesting places to visit include a small blue rock in the middle of nowhere, a tree in a secluded spot and natural sand sculptures.

At the bustling Bahrain shopping mall a Pier One Imports store takes care of all your “Made by Poor Peasants” needs like rugs, baskets, and colorful bamboo window treatments crafted by starving Ethiopian orphans. You can have lunch at the McMohammad’s with a Big McAli Baba Goat Burger, you can spend a lazy afternoon window-shopping at Florsheim Sandals, Lady Foot Locker, Verizon Wireless, Victoria’s Secret for sexy hijabs and crotchless khimars and you can buy your funny Ramadan cards from a huge selection at Hallmark.

So let’s hope that Jalal Fairooz and the Al Menbar party come to their senses and allow gays back into the country soon.

NOTE: Lesbians are advised to avoid Bahrain because Islamic law dictates that women must cover their heads and it’s virtually impossible to eat pussy through a burqua—that would be like straining Brussels sprouts through a sieve and just drinking the liquid. (I hope you boys weren’t eating breakfast when you read that).

Email Sukie de la Croix at delacroix@chicagofreepress.com.