By Gary Barlow

Almost heaven
The West Virginia House deliberated last week over a bill that would protect gays and lesbians from employment and housing discrimination, producing some sterling examples of why some people continue to question whether there’s any long-term hope for representative government in this country.

House Delegate Kelli Sobonya, a Republican, said the measure would allow gays to work anywhere, even in small businesses.

“As a small business owner, I just don’t think I should be subjected to that,” Sobonya said.

Well, there are many people in West Virginia, no doubt, who don’t think they should be subjected to a lot of things, including paying legislators and having to listen to their opinions, but being a tolerant people, they put up with it.

Then Delegate Mel Kessler, another Republican, chimed in that he was just worried about being around gay people.

“They might contaminate a person in my office and cause me to be sued,” Kessler said.

Well, Mel, I’ve driven through West Virginia on occasion and, heaven knows, even though I tried to limit my stops, I have had to buy gas there and even ate once in a Taco Bell there. For all I know, that could have meant that you and I were standing next to each other at the gas station or even in the Taco Bell bathroom. Fortunately, I didn’t catch anything from you, including that disease that apparently ravaged your brain, so maybe you should just trust that most of the evils you worry about aren’t really that threatening.

And, don’t worry, by the way—I’ll make every effort to stay out of West Virginia as long as you and your buddies in the West Virginia House put forth a similar good-faith effort to confine yourselves to the borders of your state.

Supergays
Of course, the threat that we gay people represent is pretty fearsome. Just check out the letter some members of the Ukraine Parliament wrote recently, alleging that “propaganda and expansion of homosexuality in the country form a threat to national security, contradict national interests and undermine the authority of rights and the freedoms of human beings and families.”

Whew—and if they’re really good queers like me, I’m sure most gays in Ukraine try to get all that done before 10 a.m., so they can spend the rest of the day shopping, watching Ricki Lake, working out and playing with their iPhones.

But wait—it gets better: A letter from an actual Parliament committee in Ukraine says the committee shares their fellow members’ concerns about “increasing propaganda, via mass media, of various sexual perversions.”

“Such a situation obliges organs of state power to adopt determined and urgent steps…,” the letter reads.

And just last year the chairman of the Parliament’s Committee on Human Rights told reporters, “Me and my colleagues in the Parliament have to protect the society from infringement on morality to prevent penetration into the consciousness and souls of people…”

Geez—so let’s see: We’re superhuman beings capable of threatening the security of nations and fending off “organs of state power” to achieve “penetration into the consciousness and souls of people.”

Wow—it’s just uncanny how much that sounds like my gay.com profile.

Dancing in the dark
Finally, I had some other stuff, but nothing to really match the musings of lawmakers from West Virginia and Ukraine, so instead how about if we all agree to do something really simple and fun (it involves a lights-out thing) to ensure that future generations of super-human gays can continue to undermine civilization in West Virginia and Ukraine.

March 29, 8-9 p.m., is Earth Hour. Last year, Earth Hour started in Sydney, where lights all over the city were turned off for an hour. The carbon dioxide reduction was the equivalent of taking more than 48,000 cars off the road. This year, cities all over the world are taking part, including Chicago, where downtown skyscrapers will go dark for the hour.

So plan on it now—tell your neighbors and building managers about it, then on March 29 turn off your lights, walk over to the lakefront or even bike or take the train downtown to Millennium Park to enjoy the spectacle, check out the stars and be a part of something good.

Then we can go back to taking over the world—or at least West Virginia and Ukraine.