By Sukie de la Croix

It’s always disappointing when a juicy rumor turns out to be false as with the alleged off-screen love affair between actors Maureen McCormick and Eve Plumb, who played Marcia and Jan Brady in the 1970’s sitcom “The Brady Bunch.”

The bogus story started in the National Enquirer, which predicted a new tell-all book by McCormick would dish the dirt on teenage lesbo-fumbling after the cameras stopped rolling. The Internet rumor-mill took it from there. Sadly, Debbie Styer, publicist for publishers William Morrow, lifted her skirt, pulled down her panties and pissed all over the story. But, if you think about it, sex backstage on the set of “The Brady Bunch” wouldn’t have been that surprising, as Robert Reed (Mr. Brady) was gay and Florence Henderson (Mrs. Brady) was known to have dipped her hand into the cast’s male cookie jar.

It’s not like sexual activity never occurred behind the scenes of TV programs before—it’s not new. Even cartoon characters messed around off-screen, which begs the question: “Who was sniffing Scooby Doo’s butt?” It’s no secret that Scooby Doo was gay and exchanging fluids with Norville “Shaggy” Rogers, but he was also doing it doggy-style with Velma Dinkley, the near-sighted smarty-pants transvestite with the orange sweater and glasses. Some say they had puppies together.

Most TV series have backstage scandals, some true, some false. The rumor about Desi walking in on Lucille Ball and Vivian Vance (Lucy and Ethel in “I Love Lucy”) in flagranto delicto is a fiction—they didn’t have double-ended Muff Diver Strap-On and Cum Squirt Balls back in the 1950s. Other rumors that are not true include Sally Field (Sister Bertrille in “The Flying Nun”) having a foot fetish and giving Madeleine Sherwood (Rev. Mother Superior Placido) regular tongue baths below the ankles. But it is true that one of the nuns in “The Flying Nun” was caught being rear-ended in the rectory by actor Alejandro Rey (who played playboy Carlos Ramirez) while another nun admired his canticles.

Some TV rumors that are true include the off-screen mother-Beaver-father ménage à trois in “Leave It To Beaver,” the fact that “Bewitched” had more dykes in it than Holland, and that the beach wasn’t the only place on “Gilligan’s Island” where crabs lived.

But the most notorious TV love affair was between the deep-throated gelding Bamboo Harvester (he was the palomino American Saddleback who played Mr. Ed in “Mister Ed”) and Allan “Rocky” Lane (the guy who did his voice). Being a gelding, Bamboo Harvester had been castrated and, in spite of his deep masculine voice, he was very girly in bed with Lane, if you know what I mean. In fact, the story goes that one popular sex game they played involved Bamboo Harvester wearing nothing but a saddle and a nurse’s hat trotting into the bedroom and whinnying, “Are you ready for your enema, Mr. De Mille?” Of course, it was really Lane doing the voice. Some say that Lane and Bamboo Harvester used to have sex over the phone­—with Lane doing both voices.

Probably the most shocking rumor that turned out to be true is that clean-cut Donna Reed, who vacuumed the carpet in pearls and stilettos in “The Donna Reed Show,” had so many fists shoved up her ass she could pass an audition for Lambchop. Her secret sex life was only discovered after her death, when three Rolexes, a mood ring and Ronald Reagan’s hospital bracelet from his 1965 penis enlargement operation fell out of her ass.

email Sukie de la Croix at

delacroix@chicagofreepress.com.