I’m a big fan of the homosexual soap opera “The McGreeveys,” starring ex-New Jersey Gov. “I am a Gay American” Jim McGreevey and his understandably bitter, jilted ex-wife Dina Matos. If you haven’t been following the soap here’s a rundown of the plot so far: Ex-New Jersey Gov. “I am A Gay American” Jim McGreevey is forced out of the closet after being caught with his bra strap unhooked while he’s bent over the dishwasher getting boned by an unqualified man who has a great government job. The ex-New Jersey Gov. “I am a Gay American” Jim McGreevey divorces his understandably bitter, jilted ex-wife Dina Matos and they both write books about their “marriage.” She writes “How I Lived With a Gay Man” and he writes “I Tried To Go Straight.” This was followed by her second tell-all book called “I Should Have Guessed He Was A Faggot,” and ex-New Jersey Gov. “I am a Gay American” Jim McGreevey’s follow-up book “Shut the Fuck Up You Big Fat Whore.”

Then the staff started writing books. The gardener wrote “I Know a Pansy When I See One,” the nanny wrote “I Looked After the Faggot’s Kids” and the chauffeur penned “I Drove Him to a Bar Called Butt-Love Central and All I Got Was This Lousy Book Deal.”

In last week’s episode of “The McGreeveys” ex-New Jersey Gov. “I am a Gay American” Jim McGreevey admits that during their “marriage” he and his understandably bitter, jilted ex-wife Dina Matos had threesomes with Teddy Pederson, a male aide. Pederson insists that during the ménage à trois he never had physical contact with ex-New Jersey Gov. “I am a Gay American” Jim McGreevey—only with his understandably bitter, jilted ex-wife Dina Matos. In fact, he’s writing a book about it called “I Boned Dina Matos the Understandably Bitter, Jilted Ex-Wife of Ex-New Jersey Gov. ‘I am a Gay American’ Jim McGreevey While the Big Screaming Faggot Was Watching Us and Wishing I Was Boning Him.”

I’m not ashamed to admit it—I just can’t get enough of the ins and outs of the McGreeveys’ genitals. At least 10 times a day I stop my own life and think: “I wonder what the understandably bitter, jilted ex-wife Dina Matos’ vagina is doing right now. Could it be relaxing on a sofa? Is it taking out the trash? Is someone sniffing it?”

The subplots in “The McGreeveys” fascinate me, especially the one about Tallulah, the McGreeveys’ cocker spaniel, who tackles her addiction to drinking water from the toilet bowl head-on with electro-convulsive therapy, after which she becomes aware that her lesbian relationship with the understandably bitter, jilted ex-wife Dina Matos had all been a dream.

In last week’s episode everything was left hanging in the air, so I’ll be tuning in this week to find out if ex-New Jersey Gov. “I am a Gay American” Jim McGreevey and his understandably bitter, jilted ex-wife Dina Matos also had a threesome with a moist blueberry muffin; whether the incredibly not-gay Teddy Pederson, the male aide who allegedly had a threesome with ex-New Jersey Gov. “I am a Gay American” Jim McGreevey and his understandably bitter, jilted ex-wife Dina Matos, will ever come to terms with his completely fictitious transvestite past; and whether Tallulah, the cocker spaniel, is so traumatized that she did not have a lesbian relationship with the understandably bitter, jilted ex-wife Dina Matos of the ex-New Jersey Gov. ‘I am a Gay American’ Jim McGreevey that she commits suicide by running into the traffic.

Email Sukie de la Croix at
delacroix@chicagofreepress.com.