By Sukie de la Croix

One thing I’ve learned about America is that a politician’s success or failure is determined by how successfully he/she/it can scapegoat a minority. The Republicans are good at this—George W. Bush was elected president twice after his Texas Goon Squad convinced enough gullible Americans that “Gay Marriage” was No. 1 on God’s Shit-List.

It looks like this time around gay bashing isn’t going to cut it—on account of most Republicans being cocksuckers themselves—so the GOP are looking for a new scapegoat, maybe illegal immigrants. They’re poor, frightened and they can’t vote—perfect!! Or better still orphans with spina bifida—well, they are flooding into this country, taking our jobs and raping our women, aren’t they? And let’s not forget that six of the 9/11 terrorists were 3-year old girls with myelomeningocele.

However, before the GOP make their final selection, I’d like to suggest a minority group that has so far escaped their attention—how about demonizing Harry Potter fans because this muggle, for one, has had enough of the thick-rimmed black spectacles and floppy wizard hats. I’ve had it up to the Titsodorfs with the Hippogriffs, the Nymphodora Tonks, and the Diffendos. In fact, if I hear one more word about Gillyweeds or Sleekeazy’s Hair Potion I’m going to take my AK-47 to Asswarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and I’m going to pop me some British Sprogit-Toffs.

And I don’t care if they cast a Furnunculus spell on me, or a Freezing Spell or a Four-Point Spell for that matter, or even if they banish me to the Forbidden Forest and diggly fart in my general direction—enough with the made-up words and the other silly nonsense!

I don’t want to sound like I’m intolerant, because I’m truly a liberal—by liberal, I mean I’ve had Arabs up my ass without batting an eyelid—but I do worry about religious cults like Harry Potter, which to me is Scientology Lite.

I wouldn’t mind if Harry Potterists practiced their religion in bookstores after closing time, where they can cast spells and do their alchemy in private, but it’s all over the news. When you’ve got some plastic MSNBC bimbo with starched hair you can bounce a brick off saying, “The new Harry Potter movie grossed $15 million dollars over the weekend and four U.S. Marines were killed in Iraq”…I get pissed off.

And if you’ve fallen for the ruse that this is the last book in the series, you’d be sadly wrong. I happen to know that J.K. Rowling is writing another one called “Harry Potter and the Pisspots of Lesbos,” in which Hermoine Granger turns totally lezbolicious and gets to gribble her grobulets even when she’s being pursued by Sir Patrick Delaney-Podmore and his dark rim-jobs of the twin Donliks, Teflon and Tupperware.

So there’s something we can all look forward to.

In 1991 I left Britain and moved to America so I could escape these twittering, cultured English children I grew up with. I wanted a new life away from the Simons and Nigels, but what happens? “Harry Potter,” “Lord of the Rings” and “The Chronicles of Narnia” movies follow me over here and yet again I’m surrounded by midgets who speak as if they’ve got a mouthful of testicles. I prefer down-to-earth American kids—overweight, virtually illiterate and glued to the TV screens.

And so, I suggest to GOP presidential muggles that they stand a better chance of being elected if they can dupe the country into believing that Harry Potter fans are learning how to snatch the Golden Snitch in al-Quidditch training camps.

Email Sukie de la Croix at

delacroix@chicagofreepress.com.