Mixed by Cosmik DJ Andre Raffles

In this spaced-out mercurial madness of mid-summer, Lou Reed’s “Satellite of Love” plays in our head as we navigate uncharted galaxies of romance. “I’ve been told that you’ve been bold, With Harry, Mark and John,” he drones. “Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday to Thursday, With Harry, Mark and John…satellite of love.“

Grab onto your love handles and cling on for dear life as we skyrocket through space, fucking the shit out of anything we can outrun and wrestle to the ground.

ARIES (March 21–April 20)

When your therapist advised you to love yourself they didn’t mean tongue-kissing your reflection in the mirror. It’s creepy, so stop doing it before the perversion escalates and you end up with shards of glass being removed from the dark recesses of your love tunnels.

TAURUS (April 21–May 21)

You will be the victim of a vicious prank this week that will humiliate you in front of friends. Try to take it with good humor and laugh it off. Maybe in a couple of months the prankster might—hypothetically—be the victim of an unfortunate hit and run accident. Shit happens! Karmic payback is best served splattered over the hood of a car.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)

You need to control your pets because when you go out they’re inviting friends over and partying like it’s 1999. The last thing you need is to get home from work to find a reptile passed out on the bathroom floor after OD’ing on a cocktail of ChlorhexiDerm Flush for cat skin disorders and Rimadyl, a painkiller for dogs with a toothache.



CANCER (June 22–July 23)

Your psyche has got its panties in a wad this week and the only way to remove this emotional clog is to drink two-pints of Drano, or better still, a more natural Earth-based equivalent would be vodka. Go out and get fucked-up, it’ll all seem better in the morning.

LEO (July 24–Aug. 23)

If Queer Lions see something they like they have to have it. But sometimes wanting something is better than having it, which explains why you’re stuck with this loser in the same bed as you. Get rid of it before it gets too comfortable.

VIRGO (Aug. 24–Sept. 23)

The rose of romance blossoms this week with a stranger from a very different cultural background. Sadly your new love interest turns out to be a Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)

The stars can’t advise you on your current situation—the one you got yourself into AGAIN—and anyway, you don’t believe this astrology shit, now do you?

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)

A welcome and beneficial change of scene is stymied by duties at home, and you are forced to choose between your loyalty to friends and the chance of a new adventure. It’s an easy choice to make. Dump your friends. They’d do the same for you.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 22)

Cheer up—your dreams and ambitions are not dead. They just smell funny.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 23 –Jan. 20)

Queer Goats should simplify their lives. The problem is you think too much. You over-analyze every situation until it’s drained of mystery and intrigue. Who said that every question has to have an answer? That question was rhetorical…

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)

Oh, happy, cuddly, and cozy Aqueerius folk are popular this week because each of their faces has a lived-in quality like a comfy old sofa that smells of cat’s piss yet everyone wants to sit on it.

PISCES (Feb. 20–March 20)

Jealousy can eat away at your soul and destroy you, but you’re not frightened your lover will leave you—they won’t—you’re scared you might leave them. And that means your significant other is a better person than you are.