By Sukie de la Croix

In Science magazine researchers from the University of Oregon describe how they discovered 14 fecal fragments in caves near a lake in northwest Oregon. The fossilized poop, dating back 14,000 years, is thought to be the manuscript of the first excremental speech written by the doddering old warmongering fool, Sen. John McCain. Cheulou Emmerdeur, a linguistics expert specializing in merde, has translated one piece of poop and it reads “…and Iran is smuggling spears into America inside woolly mammoths. The only way to save America is to kill everybody else in the world with our guided pterodactyl missiles. All God’s children have to die, so let’s kill them all now and get it over with…except the white ones. The white ones can stay.”

These are not the first political droppings of Sen. John McCain found by scientists—in the catacombs of Rome they found a single fragment of a turd that reads “…so I said to Julius Caesar, I said, ‘Jules, I think it’s about time we invaded Gaul, who are being financed by Al Qaeda in Iran or Iraq or whatever it’s called. We should crucify everyone and eat their babies…’”

But what do we really know about Sen. John Sidney McCain III, this 4,300-year-old hamster-faced, warmongering, homophobic urinal cake and toilet filler who dresses in red, white and blue women’s lingerie on Wednesdays and likes to be called Helga? Yes, what do we really know about this half-witted dung dispenser who wants to send our children to kill other people’s children for 100 years? Like Dr. Who, McCain is a Time Lord traveling through space who has adopted many Earthly guises over the years, including Mars the God of War in Rome, Ivan the Terrible in Russia, Catherine the Great in Russia, Vlad the Impaler in Romania and Winnie the Pooh in “The House at Pooh Corner”—and his most destructive murderous manifestation of all was as Sissy the Spacek in “Coal Miner’s Daughter.”

In his various guises, the bloodthirsty Sen. John McCain has left a trail of fossilized shit through history that scientists are digging up, sifting through and studying as we speak. His warmongering, saber-rattling rhetoric is responsible for numerous crimes against humanity, like the bloody massacre of Major General William Elphinstone’s British Army by Afghan tribesmen in 1842, the Ottoman army irregulars killing Bulgarian civilians barricaded into Batak’s church in 1876, the Soviet NKYD slaughtering thousands of political prisoners during Operation Barbossa in 1941 and the criminal remaking of “Psycho” starring oh-look-I’m-an-alien-let-me-flap-my-green-flippers-at-you nut-job Anne Heche in 1998—which was the worst idea since the Rosie O’Donnell Slim-Fast Diet Plan.

But it’s not only Sen. John McCain who talks shit, because you see, politicians are different from the rest of us as they enter our world with a birth defect, i.e., they have an asshole at both ends. Anything ejected from a politician’s body is crap and that includes the fossilized shit emanating from Sens. Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama—not one of the three presidential candidates supports full gay marriage, and that means they think we’re second-class citizens.

If you would like to learn more about political fossilized feces you should visit the Ronald W. Reagan Library & Museum in Simi Valley, California or the soon-to-be-built George W. Bush presidential library on the campus of Southern Methodist University in Dallas, Texas. Presidential libraries are repositories for lies and sewage and cryogenic labs for bullshit.

Next week I’ll tell you what I really think.

Email Sukie de la Croix at delacroix@chicagofreepress.com.