By Sukie de la Croix

Peter Hayes, a Canadian pagan who is into BDSM (Bondage, Domination, Sadism and Masochism, for you guys and dolls in Vanilla Land) is taking Vancouver police to court for discrimination after they refused to issue him a chauffeur’s license because he’s a freak. But how does leaping over logs naked while waving a leaf or tying someone up and slapping their buttocks with twigs on the Summer Solstice affect someone’s driving skills? I sure as hell don’t know.

We think of Canada as being a sexually liberated country where you can legally marry an egg salad sandwich or even a splattered slice of road kill if you want to. And yet a little bit of Hanky Spanky bothers them. I’m wondering how the cops found out about Hayes’ pagan BDSM leanings. Did he wear buttons announcing it? “Pagans Do It In Bondage,” “My Goddess Can Beat Up Your Goddess and Like It,” “Switch a Witch Bitch Today.”

I think wearing buttons and T-shirts announcing your private sexual proclivities is tacky, except perhaps on Pride Day. You never saw Eleanor Roosevelt wearing an “I Like My Ass Fisted” T-shirt when we all know she could lean out a train window smiling and waving her purse at poor people with a balled-up fist shoved up her poop shoot without batting an eyelid. From outside the train she looked like the glorious humanitarian she was, but inside the train it looked like the vet had been called in to help a cow give birth. Then there was Britain’s Queen Victoria, who used Prince Albert’s shit for toothpaste. Some things are best kept in the bedroom.

I thought the Roman Catholic Church had cornered the market on religious sadomasochism—I saw “The Da Vinci Code.” Do you think the Canadian police would give a chauffeur’s license to Silas, the albino monk who practiced corporal mortification by wearing a metal cilice and flogging himself? Or to Pope John Paul II, who would suck the juice out of altar boys’ underwear while being beaten around the head with a sock filled with strawberry Jello. Or to the current Pope Herr Benefucktus the Umpteenth who, every morning, religiously shoves a barbed wire tampon up into the walls of his rectory while singing “Deutschland, Deutschland über alles, Über alles in der Welt, Wenn es stets zu Schutz und Trutze Brüderlich zusammenhält. Von der Maas bis an die Memel, Von der Etsch bis an den Belt, …”

I realize that some Catholics believe suffering pain eases the agony Christ suffered at the crucifixion. We all know that Jesus was horribly tortured after his arrest in the Garden of Gethsemane. A recently discovered manuscript called the Gospel According to Dick Cheney describes Christ being water-boarded by a Roman prison guard called Antinuous. It reads:

Antinous: “You’ve been a very naughty Jew, Mr. Christ. You need to be punished severely.” (Antinous plays Madonna’s “I’m So Stupid” from her “American Life” album).

Jesus: “Oh stop, turn it off. It’s horrible. I hate Madonna! Holy mother of God, turn it off, for Christ’s sake turn it off.”

Antinous: “I think Mr. Pig-Slut Christ needs his tits tortured.”

Jesus: “Argghhhh!”

Antinous: “Come on, who’s your daddy? Who’s your daddy?”

Jesus: “Argghhhh!”

Antinous: “Who’s your daddy? Who’s your daddy?”

Jesus: “How the hell would I know, my mother was the town bike…”

Antinous: “Ah so you claim to be the Son of God but really you’re the Son of a Bitch. …Let me twist those titties again.”

Jesus: “Argghhhh!”



Email Sukie de la Croix at delacroix@chicagofreepress.com.