By John Haze

“Brian’s Boys”
(aka “Brian’s Men”) (1983)
Nova Productions
Director: Robert Walters
Cast: Brian Hawkes, Vince Rossi, Ted West, Ron Kenney, Eric Brandon, Curt Hansen, Aaron Gage, Greg Torgeson and Mark Davis

Boys have needs. There’s nothing new about that. The twist here is that these boys simply need parts for their 1959 convertible. They’re broke. But they really need those parts, and yes, they’re willing to swap boy parts for car parts. Okay, so it’s a warmed-over version of “Debbie Does Dallas,” but there are no jiggle-chested cheerleaders here. At one point in the history of “Brian’s Boys,” it was reedited and the title was altered from “Boys” to “Men” to avoid the impression of marketing underage sex. The controversy seems quaint now, given the modern explosion of twink videos and the fact that these “boys” barely fit that type.

Brian Hawkes is the title hero, and like “Debbie,” he is implausibly surprised at how badly other guys want to get into his pants, to the point that he needs Greg Torgeson to explain to him how to fuck another guy. Perhaps his brain doesn’t get enough circulation since so much of it is needed to fill the monster in his jeans. As hot as their garage scene is, it pales in comparison to the torrid gangbang that happens when Brian’s convertible is fully assembled and all the boys (a few of whom are ridiculously handsome) go for a joy ride. The best part is when one of the gang goes to the back to get a blanket so that they can spread out and bang each other in the grass, and he finds his fuck buddy’s little brother hiding in the trunk. No one has time to wonder why he never returns with the blanket, but several minutes later, the brothers have a “run-in” that starts out hilarious and ends up dirty and hot. The dialogue in this movie might test your patience, but you’ll stay for the tube socks.

“El Rancho”
Kristen Bjorn Productions, 2007
Director: Kristen Bjorn
Cast: Carlos Montenegro, David Vega, Jean Franko, Tommy Alvarez, Murat Cipriere, Carlos DiPone, Kristhin X, Rocky Oliveira, Ricardo Safado, Peter Paver, Alex Ferrari, Fabian Andrade, Mike Gonda, Tibor Cernan, Pedro Andreas, Daniel Marvin, Peter Berg, Tony Duke, Jorge Ballantinos, Matthias Vannelli, Jordi Casal and Alex Brinsky

After 20 years of making movies, Kristen Bjorn still has a few visual tics—certain things that you will forever either love or hate about him. But beyond those things, maybe more than any other director, he also demonstrates a level of moviemaking skill that keeps raising the bar (pun intended). There are some images in “El Rancho” that don’t even involve hardcore sex but could get any viewer off in a matter of seconds. One of those, very early in the movie, involves leading man Carlos Montenegro in bed with his wife. He’s naked and the rumpled bed sheet is just managing to keep the viewer’s attention riveted to the lower half of his exquisite bronze torso in anticipation of when the sheet might drop. And his wife is trying to get something started, but he’s pulling away from her, refusing to pretend anymore about the hunger he feels for the workmen surrounding his estate.

There’s a lot more plot to this movie, involving a hunky rebel militia of all things. But let’s stick to the “insurgency” we know best, starting with the jets of man juice that produces. Ricardo Safado discovers them going at it and decides to manhandle them both. He’s big enough for both of them to service him at the same time. This is just a quarter of the way into a nearly three-hour movie that saves the best for last when Carlos finally gets his needs satisfied by Jordi Casal, no bed sheet in sight. This one is a must-see, nonpareil.