By Sukie de la Croix

According to scientists at Scotland’s University of Edinburgh there’s an all-female species of fish that has survived for 70,000 years without reproducing sexually. The fish is called the Amazon Molly and this cold-blooded aquatic vertebrate is thought to be employing “genetic survival tricks” to avoid extinction.

The Amazon Molly does interact with males of different species in a nonsexual way—they might say hi to each other in a downstream grocery store but the all-too-brief encounter is a big turn-on for the females and it triggers their reproduction process. However, no genetic material from the male is passed to the female and the offspring are clones of their mother: They have the same mouth, same soft dorsal fin, same scales, same anal fin and the same peduncle (no, a peduncle is not your mother’s creepy brother who diddles around with kids—it’s the narrow part between the body and the tail of a fish). Mother and daughter also laugh at the same jokes and go shopping together with matching purses at the mall.

Amazon Mollies inhabit the rivers of Texas and Mexico, which brings me to this year’s annual Rio Grande Underwater Fish Music Festival, when hundreds of asexual gal fish from all over the country gather to listen to a concert of acoustic guitar-playing “swimmyn” fish trying to be Ani DiFranco. The festival also includes workshops titled “Lipstick Fish in Fishnets Are a Feminist Issue,” “Tuna Casserole: Is this Cannibalism?” and the most controversial of all: “Fungus: It’s Like Shooting Fish in a Barrel.”

FAQ: Just because the Amazon Molly doesn’t have sex with males, is it safe to assume they’re lesbians? Answer: Yes, just compare their lifestyles. It’s not uncommon for a fight to break out when two fish are making out over the pool table in a fish bar and two other fish are waiting to play a game. Another situation that causes aggressive behavior is when one of a pair sees her gal-fish talking to another fish and she approaches the interloper with a fin-wagging “Hey! Whatcha doin’ motherfucka! Leave my fish alone. …Don’t fuck wid me or I’ll fuck wid you back.”

That would be an Amazon Molly who swam through the under-funded Public School of Fish system. Other fish are more ladylike, having attended Miss Mudflap’s Finishing School for Refined Girl Fish, where the emphasis is on poise, commitment, choosing the right lip gloss and genital hygiene. Though not an Amazon Molly herself, the spinsterish Mudflap is a flat-headed catfish who lives in a bearded clam over by the reeds.

FAQ: What do Amazon Mollies do for fun? Answer: Hobbies are popular with bird-watching topping the list, followed by swimming, snorkeling and flapping their gums for exercise. Occasionally an underwater 3D movie is shown, in which a suicidal human drives his car into the Rio Grande and Amazon Mollies from miles around press their faces up against the windows for three weeks to view the struggling victim, followed by the rotting corpse—it’s like watching a silent Andy Warhol movie of paint drying, with no subtitles.

Scientists at the University of Edinburgh say the Amazon Molly should have become extinct years ago but have somehow adapted to a same-sex lifestyle along the way.

“It doesn’t seem to have upset the ecology in general,” said researcher Hugh McHaggis. “But let’s face it, someone has to erect the underwater bookshelves and it isn’t going to be those lady-boys, the silvery minnow, now is it?”

Email Sukie de la Croix at delacroix@chicagofreepress.com.