Mixed by Cosmik DJ Andre Raffles

The Earth weeps as Lindsay Lohan’s career spirals downwards into the poo pipes under the Arthurian City of Humanity. This is a time of healing, so bathe in the ambience of Enya and Celtic harps and allow the haunting music to aid your yoga, meditation, reiki healing and the self-massaging of your lumpy parts under the sheets.

And so together we must now breathe deeply, filling our lungs with love, and our collective sphincters and vaginas will relax and beckon the world with its siren call to “eat me, eat me, for my holes are the breakfast of champions.”

ARIES (March 21–April 20)

Make sure you change your underwear daily this week as you need to make a good impression on a special new person in your life who happens to be a nurse in the ER you meet after you’re hit by a bus.

TAURUS (April 21–May 21)

Your stalker knows what you did last summer.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)

You’re not paranoid—the Gotik-Menstruons from Planet Regula really are out to get you.

CANCER (June 22–July 23)

You’re nervous and anxious, but your fears and phobias are stunting your inner growth while your body ages rapidly with stress. On a physical level you have the body of a 95-year-old chain-smoking alcoholic, and on an emotional level you’re the equivalent of a six-month old autistic lizard. The only cure is death.

LEO (July 24–Aug. 23)

Stay close to people who understand you, as you don’t have the patience to explain your MO to strangers this week. Leave it to one of your confidantes to fill them in on your character as “a two-faced, back-stabbing bitch with a heart of gold…for a price.”

VIRGO (Aug. 24–Sept. 23)

Try Plan B­— it’s better than Plan A.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)

This is a bad week for dealing with the authorities as a memo has been passed around ordering all employees of government offices to fuck with you specifically. And this is not a little tickle fuck…oh no, the government is going to screw you over so bad you’ll be taking out a second mortgage on your asshole.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)

Queer Scorpions will notice strange feelings in their body this week as a rebirthing takes place. This is nothing to worry or concern yourself about as it just means a new soul is taking up residence in your carcass while the old one is returned to the factory and stripped down for spare parts. You may experience a heightened sensitivity in your nipples as the new soul settles in.



SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 22)

This week you ask yourself, “Is the world moving too fast or am I moving too slow?” Then you put on your Walkman headphones, groove to the Electric Light Orchestra and forget what question you were asking yourself—so it couldn’t have been important.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 23–Jan. 20)

After a tough week at work, relief comes on Sunday when Jehovah’s Witnesses turn up on your doorstep and you can get rid of your aggression by slapping each of them across the face, then slapping them again when they turn the other cheek.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)

Button that lip and let your eyes and smile work for you in matters of love. Flapping your gums can only ruin the mood—they’re after your candy ass and not the cotton candy you call a mind.



PISCES (Feb. 20–March 20)

You’ve been thinking about it for a while, but now’s the time to act on creating a healthier diet for yourself. Stop eating the Wellness Dry Dog Food Super5mix Lamb and substitute the vegetarian V-dog Crunchy Nuggets with Pasta, Rice, Quinoa, Oats and Vegetables for a shinier coat and sunnier disposition. Happy munching, bitch!!