Mixed by Cosmik DJ Andre Raffles

As raindrops fall, stop for a moment to reflect that sometimes God pisses on us as we navigate this long shopping trip to Nirvana we call our lives. Yes, even in our sunniest moments God may get caught short and pull out his monster schlong with the huge heavy balls filled with seed and he will bless our trips to suburban shopping malls with his wondrous golden shower.

And sometimes the Goddess Mother Earth will position her giant Amazonian self with legs astride outside of a Home Depot and she will tinkle over a gaggle of lesbians loaded down with shopping bags.

That’s why God gave us umbrellas and then steals them back from us when we’re not looking.



ARIES (March 21–April 20)

You’re eager to learn but choose wisely what you learn and from whom you learn it. Just because someone’s wearing a robe and a towel around their head it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re the Guru Maharishi Mugwump Bing Bang of all mystic knowledge—it could be some pill-popping housewife taking out the garbage before removing her curlers in the morning.

TAURUS (April 21–May 21)

Do you hear a buzzing noise? Yes you do because your stalker is stepping up their surveillance of you by filming your every move from a miniature radio-controlled digital camera plane. Confuse them by wearing a different hat everyday.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)

You need to rearrange the furniture in your living space because this week the stars see you tripping, falling and banging your head on something hard…and your brains will fall out through the crack in your skull and get eaten by rats that eventually move in and nest. This week you will also have trouble sleeping.

CANCER (June 22–July 23)

Now tell me again, why are you still living with that grease ball?

LEO (July 24–Aug. 23)

There are rumors going around about you and a certain other person bumping pussies, but neither confirm nor deny them because they make your dull—and, yes, futile—little existence look interesting.

VIRGO (Aug. 24–Sept. 23)

Queer Virgins take themselves, and the world-at-large, too seriously—not everything has to be filtered through politics. Why not wear a red clown’s nose and run into your place of work slapping everyone’s face with a wet fish and singing “Macho, macho man, I’ve got to be a macho man.” You’ll feel so much better.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)

Stomach illness is in your stars this week—perhaps food poisoning—so be careful what you eat. All the signs are warning you not to put anything rancid in your mouth, so make sure you check your pick-up’s sell-by-date before bringing them home.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)

When organizing a social event in your home it’s important to invite more than one straight person, so they have someone to talk to about straight things—and don’t forget straight people like the opposite sex, e.g., one male and one female. Think Sonny and Cher.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 22)

This week a poodle will hump your leg. Don’t take this as a criticism of your personal appearance—I mean, it is but it isn’t.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 23–Jan. 20)

Someone you recently met and care about is hiding a previous indiscretion from you. Have you checked them out for prison tattoos? Hey, if you discover swastikas between their butt cheeks later don’t say the stars didn’t warn you.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)

Avoid family gatherings and work overtime instead. One family member is hell-bent on bringing up some past indiscretion that will ease their conscience but drop you in the poo poo. “No comment” is the best course to take, or leave town until it blows over.

PISCES (Feb. 20–March 20)

This week you channel Bette Davis in “All About Eve.” And the other 11 signs have to live with it.