By Sukie de la Croix

I have to admit that I’m feeling a little bit left out as every gay writer in the country has written their “Impressions of the LOGO/HRC Gay Presidential Forum” except me.

I wouldn’t have missed that Muppet Show for the world. There’s nothing better than watching a bunch of gay activists trying to bleed a sensible comment from a cesspool of scum-sucking, lying, bobble-headed politicians—and all moderated by Margaret Carlson, who looks like Harry Potter. I was waiting for an owl to swoop down and land on her head.

Let’s get one thing out the way. Melissa Etheridge needs to stop calling herself a rock star. Janis Joplin was a rock star and Joplin wouldn’t have had her tongue up everyone’s ass like Etheridge did. Neither would Courtney Love or Patti Smith. Melissa needs to stop rimming Barack Obama’s colon, look deep into the mirror and say, “I look like a soccer mom, I bake cookies and that’s OK.”

The fashion tragedy of the evening was Susan Ashley Stanton who lost her job as city manager of Largo, Fla., after coming out as transsexual. What was that girl wearing? It looked like something she’d run up half an hour before the show after yanking the material from the window of the women’s bathroom in a Taco Bell in Boiling Springs, South Carolina. Ghastly!

It’s not that I’m insensitive to trans issues—God knows, I’m a D Cup and two bra straps away from being female myself—but if you’re going to all the trouble of having your outy turned into an inny then at least aim to look like Jean Harlow. There’s nothing in the Trans Bible that says you have to look like a blindside flanker in a lesbian rugby team.

I creamed my jeans when they started wheeling out the political Dumpsters filled with trash to be grilled by two fags and a lezzie. You have to love Congressman Dennis Kucinich—he’s like a Furbie that’s been programmed to say all the right things.

And I love John Edwards’ Southern drawl. Every time he opens his mouth he sounds like he’s emceeing a hog hollerin’ contest with a cowpoke’s cock shoved down his throat. It’s a pity he’s a homophobic asswipe who doesn’t believe in equality for lesbians and gay men.

The highlight of the evening was Gov. Bill Richardson and his meltdown when, after asserting homosexuality was a choice, he explained by saying "I'm not a scientist, but I don’t see this as science or a definition, I see this as people but I don’t like to categorize people... "

That’s when he turned into the Swedish Chef—“Yorn desh born, gitt der googen, der homo der fiiten to box. Born desh, de umn børk! børk! børk!"

I’ll be honest, there’s two things I don’t like about Sen. Barack Obama: 1) He’s homophobic and doesn’t believe in gay equality, and 2) He’s not black enough for me. If I was his campaign manager I’d suggest Snoopy Dog braids, a big Flavor Flav clock around his neck and a huge flowered Baptist lady hat for church on Sundays.

I was also disappointed with Hilary Clinton’s “separate but equal” views on gay marriage so I closed my eyes and imagined her in a kennel with her face in a bowl of Science Diet. Try it! Next time she’s on TV …chow down bitch.

If you can’t use the “M” word—marriage—then you think gay men and lesbians are second-class citizens. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: VOTE MARGE SIMPSON FOR PRESIDENT.

Email Sukie de la Croix at delacroix@chicagofreepress.com.