Space movies: August 22-28

Mixed by Cosmik DJ Andre Raffles

Every week the NASA International Space Station shoots a movie into space in a last-ditch attempt at making contact with alien life forms on other planets—they think if aliens see “Big Momma’s House 2” they might assume that planet Earth has intelligent life on it—which, of course, it doesn’t.

The movie projected into space this week is the recently made “Snow White & the Seven Queer Dwarf Stars: Pissy, Tricky, Queenie, Pussy, Cocky, Crystal (aka Dopey) and Syphilis.”

Will gay aliens respond? Don’t hold your breath.



ARIES (March 21–April 20)

This is a bad week for gambling, even when something looks like a dead certainty. The only safe bet is that you’ll lose your shirt. And the rest us do not want to see you shirtless—it’s like looking at a boiled cauliflower with purple nipples.

TAURUS (April 21–May 21)

Unwanted guests cost you time and money but you were the one who invited them ­into your mind. When you should be paying your rent the spendthrift guests in your mind make you buy pretty things for yourself, don’t they? The only way to get rid of them is to stab your self in the head.

GEMINI (May 22-June 21)

Wear autumnal colors to work this week, green, yellow or gold—something that goes with the brown lipstick you’ll be wearing after kissing your boss’ ass.

CANCER (June 22–July 23)

Queer Crabs hate to be alone, but try spending some quality time with yourself this weekend. Only by opening a dialog with your inner-being will you realize how incredibly dull you are. Lesbian Crabs are particularly boring—we don’t need a nail-by-nail account of how you lowered the kitchen ceiling.

LEO (July 24–Aug. 23)

Someone you thought was a friend turns out to be an enemy and is taking every opportunity to harm you behind your back. This person will be wearing a blue top next time you see them. Don’t ask questions—just smack them in the mouth.

VIRGO (Aug. 24–Sept. 23)

That spoilt brat you live with will have temper tantrums this week if they don’t get their own way. Sit them down and explain that sometimes you need to sleep with other people. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them, it just means their fat ugly carcass isn’t doing it for you anymore.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)

Did you ever think of yourself as a positive role model for younger lesbians and gay men? You’re not. Stop trying to impress others and do what you do best—suck beer, fart and watch TV.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)

Try not to get too emotional this week or you could find yourself without a pot to piss in. Financial disaster awaits those who react from the heart and not the mind. Let the golden goose run around the barnyard for a while—they always come back.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 22)

With your looks you could be a model for a “This is Your Face on Drugs” poster?

CAPRICORN (Dec. 23–Jan. 20)

How many Queer Goats does it take to screw in a light bulb? Ten—one to do it and nine to complain about the price of light bulbs. Nobody likes a tightwad, so why not loosen those purse strings and splash out on a luxury item like a pack of gum, or a box of Lemonheads.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)

They say that one in the hand is better than two in the bush, but Queer Water Carrier’s know different. This week your bush will be so busy, you may need to hire a cop to stand between your legs and direct the traffic.

PISCES (Feb. 20–March 2)

This week you are complimented on your outstanding work for humanitarian causes when people get you mixed up with someone else who has a similar name.