By Sukie de la Croix

It seems Christianity and violence go hand in hand and the latest terrorist attack from the God-Squad occurred recently in the city of Jonkoping in Sweden. It all started when a group of Christian jihadists tried to set fire to a poster advertising an art exhibit—it quickly escalated into a scuffle involving 30 people. The exhibit was “Ecce Homo” by photographer Elisabeth Ohlson Wallin and consisted of images of Jesus in a contemporary lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender context.

In spite of a mountain of evidence some Christians still believe that Jesus was straight. Here are the Top 5 reasons we know that Jesus was gay. 1) He wandered around the desert with 12 hot and hairy Man-Jews; 2) On Palm Sunday he mounted and rode an ass into Jerusalem—the Bible doesn’t say whose ass it was; 3) At age 14 he won first prize in the Nazareth Village People look-a-like contest—he was the cowboy; 4) His mother and his fag hag were both called Mary; 5) Judas kissed him on the cheek then Jesus turned the other cheek. …One thing lead to another…ya de ya de ya…and before you know it the Son of God is betrayed by a rim job.

If you can’t find it in your heart to accept Jesus as a beautiful and fabulous gay man then you can’t appreciate his genius as a female impersonator—the showstopper being Christ’s Joan Crawford when he finds the temple being used by money changers and completely loses it, overturns the tables and screams “Don’t fuck with me, fellas. This is the house of God, not an ATM.”

However, most of his impersonations portrayed his kinder and gentler side, like when he raised Lazarus from the dead as Audrey Hepburn’s Sister Luke in “The Nun’s Story.” He was flawless even down to the exquisitely manicured fingernails and clear nail polish.

But his pièce de résistance was his speech during the Last Supper when he did Gloria Swanson’s Norma Desmond in “Sunset Boulevard” “…And I promise you I'll never desert you again because after ‘Salome’ we'll make another picture and another picture. You see, this is my life! It always will be! Nothing else! Just us, the cameras and those wonderful people out there in the dark! All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up.”

If you don’t believe Jesus was gay you can’t appreciate him doing Judy Garland’s “Fella With An Umbrella” from “Easter Parade” in his Sermon on the Mount or enjoy his fun and wacky side walking on water as Esther Williams in “Million Dollar Mermaid” or tossing bread and fishes to the hungry 5,000 dressed as Jane Fonda’s “Barbarella.”

It seems a shame that everyone can’t have their own personal interpretation of the Bible stories without Christian jihadists coming along and destroying it. My Jesus is this really cool Jewish guy who not only said “Love They Neighbor” and cared for the poor and sick, but did it in five-inch spiked heels, Daisy Dukes and a halter-top.

Next week I’ll tell you why every time I see Shemar Moore I imagine a jellyfish eating a corndog, I’ll fill you in on why Paris Hilton thinks bipolar is a big white bear that swings both ways, I’ll dish the dirt on Karla Rove and his three-way with Georgina and Laura Bush and I’ll deal with those persistent rumors about Oprah Winfrey’s breath smelling like vagina.



Email Sukie de la Croix at delacroix@chicagofreepress.com.