Mixed by Cosmik DJ Andre Raffles

Planet Earth spins in space like a Rubik’s Cube through the fingers of a bored teenager and the lives of us earthlings are just as complex, mysterious and frustrating as solving the Cube’s puzzling mysteries.

While some of us spend a lifetime puzzling over the Rubik’s Cube of our lives—trying to get all our colors to match, our ducks in a row, making everything about our lives perfect—others say “fuck this shit” and throw the Cube under the wheels of a bus. The former spends their life planning a life and the latter climbs aboard a rollercoaster and lunges forward in breathless chaos.

Which one are you?

ARIES (March 21–April 20)

Love is in the air but remember this: a kiss is still a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh, but it’s the fundamental things like good credit and career prospects that apply as time goes by.



TAURUS (April 21–May 21)

Try to be more understanding with family this week as they test your patience—the truth is they’re jealous you climbed out of their polluted gene pool and did something with your life. Go visit and treat them like the self-replicating amoebas they are.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)

It’s time to pull in the reins on your busy sex life as your friends are calling you Dick and Kitty O’Day behind your back. Try quality, not quantity.



CANCER (June 22–July 23)

Didn't you once want to be a writer, an artist, a musician, a rapper, and pursue a creative career? That old ambition may be rekindled this week by an artist you meet who ignites your youthful pretensions—check your wallet before leaving their company. This Picasso is a con artist.

LEO (July 24–Aug. 23)

You try to lighten the mood at work but your jokes fall on deaf ears when you make Elvis poo poo jokes after a colleague’s mother dies on the toilet.



VIRGO (Aug. 24–Sept. 23)

Do you feel like everyone is ignoring you and that you may as well not exist? That’s because you died three weeks ago and nobody informed you of your new status due to a mix-up after God’s computer crashed.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)

Whoa!! Look at you party, girl. Your social calendar is booked up for months. I know it’s exhausting being belle of the ball, but whose bad taste in clothing are they going to laugh at if you don’t turn up.



SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)

The police turn up on your doorstep after neighbors complain that you are keeping a honking sea lion in your apartment. Trying stuffing a rag in your mouth when you cum.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 22)

Your mind is all over the place and you can’t seem to focus your attention on one thing for more than three seconds. There is a cure but it’s not worth writing it down here as you stopped reading this after the word “three.”

CAPRICORN (Dec. 23–Jan. 20)

Everyone is pissing you off at the moment and you’re carrying buckets of anger around with you—you’re like a bloated cow that could explode at any moment. You need an anger enema—that’s when you run down the street and slap everyone you pass. And when the police catch up with you, slap them too.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)

Queer Aquarians find heaven this week. Your significant other is hot and waiting to be lubed up in the top drawer of your bedside table and you’re alone watching back-to back “The Shield” DVD’s and covered in powder from a mega-size box of Krispy Kremes. Life is good and the rest of the world can go fuck itself.

PISCES (Feb. 20–March 20)

Friends want you to go on a camping vacation. Just say no. Remember last time? Politely decline their offer and say that nature is something best seen through a sheet of glass.