Sukie de la Croix

Do you ever look at your parents and think, "Who are these creepy old weirdos and when are they going to tell me that I was adopted?"

I used to ask myself that question all the time. Although my parents denied it, I was convinced my real mother left me on the steps of a church for reasons known only to her—perhaps I was too ugly, or a bastard or both.

So being an orphan wannabe I was interested to read about the Illinois' Abandoned Newborn Infant Protection Act, which makes it possible for a mother to leave her unwanted baby at hospitals, fire and police stations or other emergency care facilities with no questions asked.

This gave me an idea—why can't we have drop-off centers for unwanted lovers who have gotten old and worn out? I don't want to sound heartless but sometimes our partners wear out like old shoes or cars. Just because you picked up a 1975 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme while boogying under a disco ball, it doesn't mean you can't scrap it and get a nifty 2007 Toyota Camry, now does it?

I'm not saying we should be a bitch about it, but if they've got a face like a squeezed teabag and they're dribbling their meds while watching "The Price is Right," and they've got more food on their shirt than in their mouth, I don't see anything wrong with leaving them outside a fire station with a couple of cheese sandwiches and a blanket over their legs.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

+ This new Apple iPhone can do everything: you can download porn on the train ...phone your mother from the Apple store ...steal other people's privacy by taking photographs of them when they're not looking ...talk to 25-year-old Asian girls/boys you will never ever meet ...listen to Aerosmith, browse the web and send text messages to people JUST LIKE YOU ...consume youtube.com videos with a virtual keyboard and buttons and flashy lights ...download Bob Dylan and Nelly Furtado songs from iTunes whether you like them or not ...say things like PC or SMS or LOL FCUK DYNY Wi-Fi ...watch videos, TV shows and movies on a tiny screen all at the same time ...listen to books read by actors ...completely cut yourself off from the rest of the human race ...unlearn social skills ...develop new kinds of neurosis about meeting people ...become a mindless tool of corporate America as you hand over all your private information to them ...die of utter futility and loneliness and be found three weeks later in your apartment still watching a Beck video ...

I'll be buying my iPhone this week because I too want to be locked into a hand-held box while the government steals my wallet and runs amok destroying my planet.

+ Rumors that the late Rev. Jerry Falwell is not dead are spreading like wildfire. One woman recently phoned a radio talk show in Roswell, New Mexico, claiming she had seen him in Wal-mart. "At first I thought it was Jabba the Hutt," said Ms. Foster, "It was slobbering and sweating but when it started to undulate and fart, I realized it was the Rev. Falwell. I thought he was dead."

Falwell has also been sighted in a Waffle House in North Carolina, and on xtube.com being fisted by Lucifer in the burning fires of Hell.

Email Sukie de la Croix at delacroix@chicagofreepress.com.