Mixed by Cosmik DJ Andre Raffles

Your Transneptunian planetoids and Moon Nodes are in the Sidereal Zodiac and that means our collective Triplicity is particularly yummy right now—so pour extra raspberry sauce on your Cupido and Vulcano and hang them both out the window where passers-by can see and admire them. ...They might even come up and cop a feel.

If you don't know what a Cupido and Vulcano is, then ignore the above and carry on as normal as if nothing had happened.

ARIES (March 21—April 20)

Queer Rams need to bring a little feng shui into their emotional life—try pushing that huge grudge you're carrying into a corner where it doesn't dominate every decision you make. And that ugly coffee table your parents gave you that trips up every good idea that comes into your mind—just drag it out to the back alley and smash it up with a hammer.



TAURUS (April 21—May 21)

Queer Bulls are currently hyped up and running at the Festival of San Fermin in the city of Pamplona in Spain that ends at midnight on July 14. Until then friends and lovers of Queer Bulls need to ditch the sling-backs, lift up their skirts and run like hell or be trampled and gored by these dangerous bovines on a rampage.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21)

This is not a good time for gambling or taking risks. Lady Luck is not on your side this week. In fact, she's waiting to screw you for every penny you've got—maybe she's channeling your ex. Play it safe and that means in matters of the heart too.

CANCER (June 22—July 23)

Stay in the house until Saturday as an unstable woman may have an allergic reaction to your face and the next thing you know they're scraping her DNA from under your fingernails.

LEO (July 24—Aug. 23)

When your friend suggested you get your lip and tongue pierced they really meant that someone should take a staple gun to your mouth. They were being polite. Take the hint.

VIRGO (Aug. 24—Sept. 23)

Avoid getting too cozy with work colleagues and employers. Be polite but detached. The poop is about to hit the fan and you will benefit from being the one left standing in the clean suit while the others are groveling on the floor covered in crapola.

LIBRA (Sept. 24—Oct. 23)

Prioritize. That's your key word this week. Earning enough money to pay the rent is more important than diddling around with your doodad in the clouds.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24—Nov. 22)

The bad news is that you hate yourself. The good news is you're not alone because everybody else hates you too. Oh girlfriend, what have you been up to? You've got so many knives sticking out your back you look like a porcupine. You need to stop flirting with other people's love interest and then acting innocent when you're caught out.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23—Dec. 22)

Keep things simple and under control this week. A stroll in the park will clear your head and stop the voices that are telling you to "kill... kill... kill the pretty ones. Only the pretty ones."

CAPRICORN (Dec. 23 —Jan. 20)

A meteorite shower is interrupting your cosmic flow and you will experience uncharacteristic traits like honesty and common sense. Your loved ones are calling for an exorcist.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21—Feb. 19)

This is a good week for home improvements. Maybe it's time to convert the basement into a gym or dungeon and name it after your favorite star—"The Rosie O'Donnell Fit & Trim Gym" or the "Elaine Paige S&M Torture Chamber" ...or maybe skip naming it.

PISCES (Feb. 20—March 20)

Go and buy yourself something nice. You deserve it. Careful on Sunday as you may be involved in a freak curling iron accident resulting in third degree burns to your private parts.