By Sukie de la Croix

A group of over 100 GLBT activists recently attended the Democratic National Committee’s (DNC) diversity summit in Las Vegas to form a strategy of inclusion for minority groups in the future. The five caucuses attending the event were Asian/Pacific Islander, Black, Hispanic, GLBT and Women’s caucuses.

The summit began unraveling before it even started when a security guard found a man wandering around the building dazed and confused—it was Bekele Cohen, a.k.a. Sissy Couture, an Ethiopian Gay Jewish Man of Color who couldn’t figure out what caucus he belonged to. Cohen spoke before an emergency meeting of the five caucuses, saying “I know I don’t belong in the Asian/Pacific Islander group and I’m not Hispanic, but I can’t decide whether I most identify as Gay or Black. …Actually, where’s the Jewish caucus?”

The panic in the room was palpable as the righteous world of minority caucuses collapsed like a bridge in Minnesota when the ugly truth sank in—somebody had forgotten to invite the Jews. Cell phones were drawn from holsters and guilt-ridden text messages shot through the air like bullets at the OK Corral.

A voice from the crowd then shouted out, “And what about the Gypsies, that’s a separate race of people. Technically, they’re from India.”

“And Little People,” shouted someone else. “We’re not diverse enough without a caucus of Little People.”

“And what about Gay Jewish Little People,” screamed another.

It was as if Karl Rove had shit in the tofu buffet, but the five caucuses attending the DNC diversity summit rallied around and solved the problem by creating 15 new minority caucuses: Jewish Samoan Women, Queer Jewish Samoans, Puerto Ricans Who Identify as Samoans, Little Samoan Womyn who Sew, Gay Eskimos, Gay Ethiopian Gypsies, Lesbian Jews from Argentina, Chinese Men Who Like to Wear Women’s Clothes But Are Not Little People But Aren’t Very Tall Either, Black Episcopalians Who Are Gay for Pay, Mongolian Bisexuals, Women Who Are Not Lesbians But Like to Look At Other Gal’s Tits, Fat Crippled Midgets Embracing Derogatory Slurs, Little Gay Eskimos, Disabled Transgender Tibetan Seniors With Three Nipples and Assorted Genitalia Who Like Watching Movies About Vikings and the Musically Challenged Barry Manilow Fan Club.

The following morning the summit was in uproar again when someone pointed out that Bi-Sexual Surrealist Elephants, Lutheran Houseplants, and Visually-Impaired Lesbian Dung Beetles were under-represented at the summit. And so it was decided that to be truly inclusive more minority caucuses had to be created, including Tiny Little Insect People of Costa Rica, Gay Survivors of the Disco Era, African-American Jewish Giraffes With a Morbid Fear of Spoons, Blue Sub-Aquatic Nuns from Alpha Centauri who Refuse To Accept the Existence of the Letter P in the Alphabet, Spina Bifida Rodeo Cowboys Who Juggle Post-Menopausal Lemons in a Canister of Mustard Gas, Pakistani Swans Who Have Been Nailed to a Piece of Green Plastic More Times Than They Care To Think About, the Asian Twin–Drill Bits of Narnia, Chess-Playing Girly Muslims of Uruguay, Shoe Fetishists of Papua New Guinea, Old Women from Spain With Restless Leg Syndrome, Lutherans Who Put Lard in Their Teapots and the Indigenous Denture Fairies of the Liquid Forest.

While the DNC were busy forming minority caucuses and squatting over a mirror to make friends with their own assholes in Las Vegas, another minority group in Washington, D.C., called Rich White Men settled down to the serious business of passing laws that discriminate against all the minority groups in Las Vegas.

Email Sukie de la Croix at delacroix@chicagofreepress.com.