By Sukie de la Croix

There has been much speculation in recent weeks as to why so many self-righteous married-with-kids Republicans have been caught squeezing out their Twinkie cream in public bathrooms. Most experts agree that this type of closeted homosexuality is the result of growing up in small-town, small-minded America—the kind of place where a movie like “Honey, I Fucked the Kids” can draw a large crowd who can all relate to the subject matter.

However, the truth behind these Republican tearoom busts is far more sinister because Idaho Sen. Larry Craig, Florida state Rep. Bob Allen and a whole host of others who haven’t been caught yet, are actually Lizard-People from Outer Space.

In fact toilet cubicles in men’s bathrooms are teleportation pads where alien-invader reptiles past their sell-by-date are beamed back to the scaly wastelands of planet Terrarium, their mission on Earth complete.

The teleportation activation process is as follows—the alien reptile in human form sits on the toilet seat, adopts a wide stance and then taps his toe in a suggestive manner. After a few moments a male humanoid from an adjoining cubicle enters and the lizard works its tongue around the stranger’s cock. After 10 cocks three duotonic sliders hidden behind the toilet roll holder are released and the lizard dematerializes and returns to planet Terrarium.

This reptile invasion of Earth began when a spacecraft landed in Roswell, New Mexico in July 1947 and two aliens escaped and took up residence in the empty vessels of two B-movie actors—Ronald Reagan and a skinny-ass dwarf in a red dress known as Nancy Davis. Later these two reptiles mated and spawned eggs.

Over the years an army of reptiles has landed and taken up residence in earthly shells belonging to Leona Helmsley, Sharon Tate, Jed Clampett, Topo Gigio, Gladys Knight and the Pips, Wilma Flintstone, Hyacinth Bucket, Neil Diamond, Golda Meir, Olivia Newton-John, E-lizard-breath Taylor and Kyle Broflovski, the Jew from South Park.

It wasn’t until Ronald Reagan became the 40th U.S. President, aided by shapeshifters like Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson, that the Big Reptile Cheese on planet Terrarium decided to take over the Republican Party and turn the U.S. into the mean-spirited, money-grabbing, xenophobic land mass it is today.

Which goes some way toward explaining the situation with the current administration and the bullshit war in Iraq, but don’t get me started on that. It also explains why Idaho Sen. Larry Craig got himself arrested and into the mess he’s in today.

I know it’s not like Sukie to show sympathy toward anyone, but I do feel sorry for Idaho Sen. Larry Craig because I think he’s being falsely accused. He may have pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in an airport men’s room, but at his press conference when he said, “I am not gay. I have never been gay,” he was telling the truth. He’s not gay.

Sen. Larry Craig is nothing more than a pathetic washed-up redundant old reptile that needs to sit on a toilet in a public bathroom and suck on a few man-cocks before he can dematerialize and return to his own swamp on planet Terrarium. It’s as simple as that.

Far from punishing Craig we should help him and all the other Bush Republicans to leave our beautiful planet Earth. If Larry Craig would like to visit a men’s room in Chicago, I’m sure I could rustle up the 10 man-cocks needed to send him home.

Email Sukie de la Croix at delacroix@chicagofreepress.com.