Mixed by Cosmik DJ Andre Raffles

As Whitney is in the House of Crack be joyous and leap from your seat and dance like a faerie caressing the faces of the people around you with an imaginary leafy frond, singing, “Look at me everybody, I’m a big faerie lesbo quean and I’m spreading faerie dust and glitter throughout the world.”

If anyone within earshot gives you any hassle just pepper-spray the homophobic little motherfucker, then stomp the creep’s face to a bloody pulp after they hit the ground.

ARIES (March 21-April 20)

Trying to balance “home life” and “work life” is difficult for Queer Aryans because they don’t possess the “prioritizing gene.” Everything in your life is equally important to you, whether it’s a project at work or making love with your partner, which makes Aryans the worst lovers in the Zodiac—gay male Aryans fuck like they’re sharpening a pencil and lesbo Rams have sex like they’re licking a stamp. This is a good week to, at least, acknowledge you have a problem.

TAURUS (April 21–May 21)

Queer Bulls experience a change in lifestyle that may be disruptive at first but will get easier when you meet other people in the ward who agree with your theory about space aliens taking over Wall Street and controlling the world’s banks.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)

Those who live in the past have no future and conjuring up sad events from long ago can poison your joyful life today. You know what I’m talking about. Tie that person’s name to a balloon then release it in the park and watch it float away until it—and the past—disappears into the clouds.

CANCER (June 22–July 23)

You’re making demands on your friends that they can never fulfill—“Do this.” …“Do that.” …“Buy me something pretty.” …“Lend me $10.” …“Can I borrow your car?” … “Help me bury the body.” …“Tell the police I was with you that night.” Stop being so needy or your friends will dump your sorry ass.

LEO (July 24–Aug. 23)

Before embarking on this new adventure you need to make a plan, e.g., when you finally drag your ass off the sofa you need what normal people call “a destination.” That means “a place to go” or “somewhere other than the sofa” or in your case “the refrigerator.” When you’ve retrieved the can of beer from the refrigerator relocate the sofa by retracing your steps, or as the rest of us call it “walk backwards.”

VIRGO (Aug. 24–Sept. 23)

Go for it! Explore your dark side and squeeze yourself into that leather bustier. Inside every little wilting flower like you is a Mistress Blood-Rose of the Night screaming to get out. Go on be ruthless and crack that whip. …Whip it good.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)

You get involved in an ugly brawl with a Hasidic Rabbi in a kosher supermarket over a cumquat and it ends up with you being arrested for assault after you knock his hat off and twist his nipples. Yes, it’s going to be one of THOSE weeks.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)

Yet again you’re surprised by the stupidity of the human race when a colleague at work mistakes you for someone who gives a fuck.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 22)

It’s going to take more than MapQuest or a Garmin GPSMap 3005C to find a top that goes with those pants you just bought.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 23–Jan. 20)

That long pointy orange thing is called a carrot. Try dragging your wide berth to the salad end of the buffet once in a while. That green leafy thing …L-E-T-T-U-C-E…pronounced LET-US. Can you say that? LET-TUCE…

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)

You look like a movie star…Shrek.

PISCES (Feb. 20–March 20)

You look like a movie star too…Shrek 2.