By Sukie de la Croix

It’s hardly surprising that a lot of GLBTs have a negative opinion of straight people when you consider that our first exposure to their strange culture, rituals and agenda is by watching our parents.

At some point every homosexual looks at their parents and thinks, “Who are these two crazy old fools and why do they hate me?” It’s a universal truth that we live with our parents when we’re young and then after we leave we can’t seem to shake them off—no matter how much we spend on pills, booze, cocaine and therapy.

Which is why this week I will attempt to answer three of the most often asked questions: Where do straight people come from, what are they for, and what do you do with them when they get old and start to smell?

Where do straight people come from?

It’s a proven fact that GLBTs are created by God in his/her/its image and that straight people are assembled in factories in China owned by Mattel. In the original translation of the Bible from the Aramaic to the Greek, straight people aren’t mentioned at all and it reads that gay men came from Adam and Steve, lesbians from Madam and Eve, bisexuals from either Adam or Eve and transsexuals from Dr. Madam Steve and his team of scalpel wavers.

God hired Mattel to make the components for straight people in Mexico and then ship them to China to be assembled in sweatshops by children. You may remember recently reading that Mattel had to withdraw 3 million straight people because they were toxic.

What are straight people for?

Us gay folks are the products of two parents rutting. The truth is that God created straight people as procreation machines for popping out homos and their sexual variants. Straight men are nothing more than “injectors” and straight woman are merely containers, vessels for carrying the homosexual to full term. God recommends that GLBTs should grow up in a diverse family with straight children so he advises parents to order at least one, maybe two, from a Mattel catalog or over the Internet.

After puberty a straight male and female of the species will pair off and go through a daunting and pointless ritual called “The Wedding,” prior to which the “bride” usually orally copulates a male stripper at a bachelorette party and the “groom” gets orally copulated by a female stripper at a bachelor party. After ‘tying the knot”—during which a contract is signed—and listening to familial speeches with amusing anecdotes, the couple get drunk, then travel to Cancun or Disney World to begin the process of making GLBTs.

What do you do with straight people when they get old and start to smell?

Sometimes when a GLBT finds him/her/itself in charge of senior straight people, hard decisions have to be made. When the female starts squeezing into stretch pants and the male wears his pants yanked up to his man-boobs it’s time for GLBTs to get creative and find a use for them.

With the right plumbing old straight people can make wonderful eye-catching ornamental fountains—you’ll have tourists visiting your garden just to see the two senior citizens with faces like sharpei dogs spouting water out of their mouths into a pond of carp.

Dressmaker’s dummies is another good use for them, and if all else fails you can always get them to touch their toes and use their butt cracks as bicycle racks.

Email Sukie de la Croix at delacroix@chicagofreepress.com.