Mixed by Cosmik DJ Andre Raffles

Magnets can either attract, as with a lover, a friend or partner—or repel, as with a boss, a politician, a CTA employee or some other mealy-mouthed pointless scumbag. In astrological terms the magnet’s aura—the magnetic field—is strongest in far-off Gay Star Clusters where Faerie Queans and Lesbiana Kings dance barefoot through the metal daisies singing “True Colors” and shaking their green tambourines. This is a good week for mutual masturbation.

ARIES (March 21–April 20)

You need space to breathe so clean out those closets and you know the rule—if you haven’t worn it for a year, then toss it into the garbage. The same goes for your other half—if you haven’t fucked them for a year, sit them next to the Dumpster with a “Needs a Good Home” sign because they’re just cluttering up your life.

TAURUS (April 21–May 21)

The summer ends badly for you when you receive third-degree cheese burns after being involved in a freak accident with a baseball at a nude fondue party.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)

I know you’ve been hurt in the past but it’s time to let down your guard and allow yourself to be bowled over by a cowboy who’s hung like his horse. Lesbians will find a girl with eyes the color of hazelnuts and who tastes as sweet as Shoo Fly Pie.

CANCER (June 22–July 23)

This week you’ll find yourself trapped in an elevator with a Hells Angel and his pit bull listening to a Muzak version of “Do You Know the Way to San Jose?” The good news is this gives you a whole new level to gauge weirdness by.

LEO (July 2-Aug. 23)

You’re so vain you probably think this prediction is about you. Don’t you, don’t you …

VIRGO (Aug. 24–Sept. 23)

Answering your doorbell to the Fed Ex driver wearing nothing but a grin and a baby doll is not going to get you laid unless the driver is either blind or takes pity on ugly people. This is a good time to rethink wearing see-through clothes unless it’s a polythene bag over the head.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)

This week you will get all soft and squiggie like a marshmallow when a big pink wibbly-wobbly yummy blobby thing called Cuddles nuzzles up to you and says beepy things in your ear and asks “Izoo Bibee ploppy boodigobbies?” and you answer “Flipsy Flopsy jugglie poppies.” And then you fuck like bunnies.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)

Queer Scorpios know that we are all born with a painting box and everyday we paint our own lives. Some days we create an out of focus hazy lazy Monet and other times it’s a classical religious Da Vinci. This week it’s a Jackson Pollack and you can read what you want into that.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 22)

This new moneymaking scheme of manufacturing and selling dog dentures isn’t going to work anymore than the last idea you had for making sexy wooden lingerie for chickens.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 23–Jan. 20)

Don’t believe everything you hear this week as a Queer Aries is hiding the truth from you to spare your feelings. Wouldn’t you rather know the truth?

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)

An older, wiser member of the Queer community shares wisdom with you. The stars advise you to listen and learn and not be put off by the drooling skeleton dispensing the knowledge.

PISCES (Feb. 20–March 20)

Are you bored with having the same old genitals shoved into your face once every three weeks? Why not spice up your mind-numbingly dreary sex life by bringing interesting and oddly shaped fruit like a Citrangequat into the boudoir!! You haven’t lived until your honey has shoved a trigenic hybrid cross between the trifoliate orange, sweet orange and kumquat up where the sun don’t rise nor shine.