By Sukie de la Croix

“Travel back through time and space to the edge of man’s beginnings…discover a savage world whose only law was lust!” That was the tagline to “One Million Years B.C.,” the classic 1966 movie starring Raquel Welch running around with a spear in a land of giant turtles and other prehistoric reptiles.

That movie changed my life in two ways: (1) Suddenly I knew that beneath the surface of the skinny teenager I saw in the mirror there was a glamorous woman with huge thighs, big hair and zero acting skills screaming to get out, and (2) I became interested in the dawn of time and theories about evolution. In 1859 the publication of Charles Darwin’s “Origin of the Species” established evolution as the best explanation for George W. Bush’s visage bearing an uncanny resemblance to the smelly end of a Chacma Baboon. Darwin’s theory was that humans evolved from apes, with the exception of Jehovah’s Witnesses—they can be traced back to a fossilized liverwort called Mildred.

Although Darwin’s work was extensive, he failed to answer the question that has baffled paleontologists for decades—prior to homo habilis, homo erectus and homo sapiens, when dinosaurs ruled the Earth, were prehistoric lesbians capable of flight?

The question has again been in the news due to the recent discovery of a velociraptor’s forearm in Mongolia that has proved what scientists have suspected for years—that the dinosaurs that gave us all nightmares in “Jurassic Park” had feathers.

The earliest images of lesbians flying were found in 1923 in cave drawings in New Mexico, where one etching resembles a flock of inebriated dykes swinging their toolbelts above their heads like helicopter blades and hovering over a petrified forest. Neolithic lesbians are also thought to have had sharp talons and hooked beaks—a cave painting in Turkey shows a lesbian swooping down from the sky and biting the head off a woolly mammoth while a Canadian lesbian hides behind a nearby rock making a documentary about it.

Experts believe that lesbians lost the power of flight around the 3rd millennium BCE, when the invention of the Krispy Kreme and the opening of the first Bronze Age Popeye’s Chicken and Biscuits restaurant made them aerodynamically challenged. The only time lesbians fly now is in planes with their sports teams singing German drinking songs and frightening other travelers.

Unlike lesbians, evidence shows that the prehistoric male homo erectus never mastered flight but kept their webbed feet firmly on the ground and spent a lot of time shopping for inexpensive but unique jewelry in out-of-the-way European boutiques, stopping off for a low fat egg-white only quiche and salad lunch at the Suce Moi et Fais Moi Jouir eaterie before hooking up with 35 close friends and blowing bone flutes at a local gay watering hole.

While lesbians were hunter-gatherers, most paleontologists argue that male homo erectus preferred to hire other people to do the work, as proved in one of the oldest fossilized homosexual gatherings unearthed in Peru—while six hominids are watching a two-night Turner Classic Movies retrospective of Judy Garland, “Her Movies and Her Turbulent Life,” the plate of hors d’oeuvre on the coffee table containing mini mushroom vol-au-vent and a selection of cheesy puff pastry bite-size nibbles was definitely catered.

Email Sukie de la Croix at delacroix@chicagofreepress.com.