By Sukie de la Croix

I was disturbed to read that the Chinese government executed Zheng Xiaoyu, the former State Food and Drug Administration director, for taking bribes from dodgy drug companies that resulted in at least 10 deaths. I don’t agree with the death penalty under any circumstances.

I think a more suitable punishment for Mr. Xiaoyu would have been to hook him up to an iPod stacked with 1970s disco hits and play them continuously until he went insane and bit himself to death.

However, the corrupt practices of Zheng Xiaoyu reinforces my theory that China is not merely slapdash in regulating their food and drugs, but is deliberately trying to poison us here in America.

We’ve recently seen a spate of iffy imported items from China like poisoned pet food, toxic toys like Weebles that wobble but don’t fall down because they’re filled with lead and pet rocks that are actually made from real-life pets.

But the thing that worries me most is the recent influx of cure-all herbal patches. How do we know what “herbs” the Chinese are putting in them? Is arsenic an herb? What about vaginal discharge? You don’t know!!

Some of these companies are illegally using U.S. celebrities’ names to sell these shoddy and dubious products. I recently read that one company in Tianjin is selling herbal weight-loss patches and claiming Chelsea Clinton lost 26.5 lb in one month while wearing one.

This is obviously untrue as anyone who has seen Ms. Clinton lately knows that she’s as Rubenesque as she ever was. In fact, on a recent trip to the Serengeti safari park in Tanzania she narrowly escaped an attack from ivory poachers by deftly rolling downhill and blending in with a herd of Wildebeest.

This is not the first time Chinese companies have erroneously used celebrities to sell their goods—look at the Testicle Enlargement Patch that allegedly saved George W. Bush’s marriage. Translated from the Chinese, the company sales-pitch reads, “Laura Bush had to use a magnifying glass until George discovered the Testicle Enlargement Patch that turned his tapioca-sized testes into cum-filled basketballs. In one month George has gone from being an itsy-bitsy pearly dribble out of the slit kind of guy to a high-powered sperm missile sex machine.”

The Chinese have also created a patch that turns homosexuals into heterosexuals—the company claims that Tom Cruise has been wearing one for years, next to his E-Meter Kripto-FagBuster Zippy Zippy Zippy Yoda-Wopsack Di-Di Scientology tattoo.

The problem is that nobody in China or the U.S. is testing what’s in these patches—it could be anything: belladonna, poison ivy, retina of goose, or even contents of adult diaper. Wouldn’t it make sense for the FDA to be looking into the new scratch ‘n’ sniff essence of Angelina Jolie’s pussy patch that’s currently on sale in China Town… hey, where did all my lesbian readers go? Where are you going… ok… could one of you gals pick me up some vegetarian chow mein while you’re down there?



+ While we’re on the subject of celebrities—and Scientologists in particular—what’s this I read about John Travolta insisting that his role as Edna Turnblad in the movie “Hairspray” is not gay. My jaw dropped.

Honey, read my lips—YOU ARE PLAYING THE PART OF A FAT WOMAN IN A JOHN WATERS MOVIE. THAT’S AS GAY AS IT GETS.

Getting your ass pumped by every member of the Detroit Tigers is LESS gay than playing the part of a fat woman in a John Waters movie. Liberace’s swimming pool is LESS gay…

Email Sukie de la Croix at

delacroix@chicagofreepress.com.