Mixed by Cosmik DJ Andre Raffles

It’s hot! Searing temperatures, wildfires in the west, it’s global warming and Hollywood Beach tan time—unless, of course, you’re unpleasant to the eye and then it’s better you stay indoors and stop spoiling the view for everyone else. Just kidding! Get your big flabby old ass out there and soak up some sun and fun.

And while you’re out there cooking on a low heat take some time out to meditate on all the starvation, wars and disease in the world—about 10 seconds should cover it.

ARIES (March 21–April 20)

Try to stop talking this week and listen. A new acquaintance will bring foreign and interesting philosophical ideas to your attention. The new concepts won’t make you any money but they will help to soothe your painful hemorrhoids, which are so bad now they're showing through your clothes. Something needs to be done.

TAURUS (April 21–May 21)

Gay bulls are suffering from cosmic constipation and are full of bullshit. Bull dykes get a health scare this week after some of you pass out cold with shock on being introduced to a member of the Chicago chapter of the Executive Women’s Golf Association who is straight.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)

Your mother dies this week. No, not the one who brought you up and put Band-Aids on your scuffed knees, your real mother—the junkie low-life hooker who left you on the steps of St. Nancy’s Orphanage for Wayward Boys and Girls before you were adopted. Oh, you didn’t know!

CANCER (June 22–July 23)

You can protect your skin from the blistering heat by wearing a polythene bag over your head. You may experience a shortness of breath followed by a voice calling you into the white light. Follow the voice… follow the voice…

LEO (July 24–Aug. 23)

Worrying about things you did in the past is pointless. Let it go. So you paid your way through college by selling your used underwear to sex perverts… who cares? You should really focus on dealing with the problems you have today, like how to stop buying used underwear from students.

VIRGO (Aug. 24–Sept. 23)

You’re in a rut and it’s time to get back into the groove. This is a good time to expand your horizons and experience new things—have you considered shoving a fire hydrant up your ass?

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)

Multi-tasking is the art of doing 10 things badly instead of one thing well. Try to focus on what’s important to you… Paris Hilton is important to you… Lindsay Lohan. Forget it! Go back to multi-tasking… kill yourself… whatever.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)

Stop telling everyone you suffer from Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) when really you’re just a half-witted bimbo who’s too lazy to retain information. ADD, like half the other trumped up “diseases” in the world, doesn’t actually exist.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 22)

No, it’s not a bad dream—the people you work with really are turning into flesh-eating monsters hell-bent on tearing your still beating warm heart from your body and devouring it in an orgy of blood lust. But you still need to pay the rent.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 23–Jan. 20)

Make sure you get a foolproof alibi for Saturday evening. Let’s just leave it at that.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)

Avoid involvement with married individuals. You could fall head over heels for someone who’s just looking for a no-strings quickie. Might be better to stay home and cuddle your teddy bear this week—at least Winnie the Pooh won’t take out a restraining order on you or give you syphilis.

PISCES (Feb. 20–March 20)

Here’s a farming tip—that big fat cow you live with needs to be milked every day otherwise she’ll wander to a different barn.