Mixed by Cosmik DJ Andre Raffles

As we travel our spiritual journey through this current life cycle we are guided by gurus and other inspirational teachers in “The Four Steps to Enlightenment”—1) Meditation and Yoga; 2) Out of body astral traveling; 3) The purchasing of an Enya or Yanni CD which purges the stomach of its poisonous contents; and 4) A couple of Jägermeister shots before taking a crack at “Suddenly Seymour” in a karaoke bar.

If you follow the above path you will be closer to achieving nirvana—the state of bliss, not the band—and if you don’t take “The Four Steps to Enlightenment” you will reincarnate as a urine sample, or its intellectual equal, a politician.

ARIES (March 21–April 20)

Someone in your immediate circle is trying to stir up trouble to create a cloud of drama to cover up for some indiscretion of their own, possibly involving a sexual escapade with a pet, a glass of milk and a coffee table. Look to a blond with blue eyes born under a water sign: Cancer, Scorpio or Pisces.

TAURUS (April 21–May 21)

One of the drawbacks of changing lovers is that friends and family always take sides on the issue instead of trusting your judgment. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been romantically linked with Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream for seven years, if you need to move on to the New York Super Fudge Chunk, t’aint nobody’s business but your own.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)

Two of your closest friends are about to split up in a horrible divorce that involves violence and unspeakable acts of sexual abuse, so get out the popcorn and six-pack of Bud Light and settle down for the fireworks.

CANCER (June 22–July 23)

You need to be more careful at work—you’ve made a few mistakes lately and your boss is watching you. Shape up or start planning a new career. How are your burger-flipping skills?

LEO (July 24–Aug. 23)

Gregarious Queer Lions need to be surrounded by people but there are times when your own company is more rewarding. Go for a long walk along Navy Pier and leave the cell-phone and iPod at home…keep walking, don’t stop. Don’t worry about drowning because you can walk on water, right?

VIRGO (Aug. 24–Sept. 23)

Avoid intimacy with people who are passing through town—casual liaisons and flirting are usually good for you, but not this time. This stranger will steal your heart away and then eat it.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)

Take off the mask. This is not a good week for pretending to be someone else and the Goofy mask isn’t really you, is it? Let the world know that you’re not as stupid as you look.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)

Queer Scorpions have a problem with paranoia and this current feeling of “Everybody hates me” is not an accurate interpretation of the situation. A more precise description of your place in society would be “Nobody knows I exist.”

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 22)

You will find out this week that there is no such thing as edible glue.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 23 –Jan. 20)

Just when you thought it couldn’t get any stranger, a mugger puts a gun to your head and demands you give them your opinion on Britney Spears’ parenting skills. Don’t say, “I don’t give a shit!” because obviously, the mugger does.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)

This week you discover you’re the last person on the planet to hear that Amy Winehouse is in rehab, and the first to say, “Who the hell is Amy Winehouse?”

PISCES (Feb. 20–March 20)

Are you getting broody and maternal/paternal again? How many times have we been through this? You can’t even keep a houseplant alive. Just say no to kids.